I AM AN IMBECILE! Literally three months ago Aaron told us all the date to mark for his “Slime Night.” He was very excited and made it very clear that we ALL needed to be there. He picked the date so far ahead so that we’d all be available. He even did the evil thing where we asked if we were free that day THEN told us what was happening after we’d all said we were free. He said if any of us cancel or back out we better “have a really good, sincere, and life-altering excuse.” He said if…
Author: Walt Braley
Walt Braley
Walt Braley is an editor for the site you're reading right now. He took up comedy after being unmasked and forced to retire comically early in his luchador wrestling career.
Hello internet user. You’ll find that you’ve really stepped in it this time. Yesterday, while you were watching a 22-minute Youtube essay about how they make some ski slopes harder than others, we jacked into your mainframe. Using a half dozen jailbroken Nintendo DSi’s connected to a laptop via fiber wires, we followed your data trail and hacked into your computer. More specifically, we got right into your Google Chrome web browser. You’re wondering what we were after… It’s simple, really. We’ve taken one of your tabs. Don’t believe me? Count. You’ll notice you had 46 and now have 44.…
“Action” Mac Carter has tactically handled situations that, on paper, are far more dangerous, but that doesn’t help him get out of this one any quicker. Sure, he’s stopped the vile Dr. Carnage from poisoning the water supply underneath the East Bay orphanage not once, not twice, but seventeen times, but our hero doesn’t wear sunglasses inside because he’s comfortable being socially embarrassed. Yep, everyone at this Medal of honor (his third) party will see him stand up awkwardly when his name is called. He knows if his left leg is still asleep when he walks to the podium he’s…
I am in need of a trainer or sensei to train me in the ancient ways of white guy karate. My intolerable step-brethren Jackson refuses to stop harassing me. His latest transgression on the long list of many is he moved all of my perfectly constructed Star Wars Lego AT-ATs (illegal act because they are my property, by the way) into a long, perverse, and most of all NOT CANON train wherein they appear to be humping each other like deer or other four-legged wildlife. I would like to do a cool ultra-instinct move to him that will leave him…
*NOTE TO FELLOW EDITOR STEVE. REMOVE THIS TEXT WHEN YOU POST THIS. Oh crap, oh damn. I forgot to edit something to go onto our hit comedy website today. It was my day to do it and I didn’t and our SEO is going to sink like the Titanic. Look, I’m going to make a fake sponsored post and just claim we’re doing a partnership thing. I couldn’t think of anything good and I’ve got Oppenheimer tickets so the rest of my night is shot. I’m just gonna say we’re partnering with “hotdogs.” Just throw this up and run with…
Action Joe is the coolest new action figure we have the required clearances to sell! He is a CERTIFIED good guy! No, he’s NOT “from something!” He’s highly battle trained and highly battle tested by the same groups that handled his high training! Your sister HATES Action Joe, but he HATES HER MORE! He has access to the latest innovations in high tech weaponry! Action Joe has a complicated “THING” with femme fatale Beatrice Bloodshed, but does she really LOVE him or is he just another pawn in her TWISTED GAME? He SUCKS! He’s immortal and can’t lose a fight!…
Are you starting a new job and unsure how to easily connect with your new coworkers? We’ve got you covered. Simply print this page then cut out any of these surefire workplace banter hits!
The scientists here at Robot Butt have been hard at work doing the impossible. Finally creating a perfect tier list of everything. We’ve entered our extensive research and now our super-computers are churning at incredible dial-up speeds. Every Tuesday to be exact, they spit out a new batch of pop culture icons from movies, video games, real life, and everything in between, all with irrefutable ratings and inarguable breakdowns. At the end of every month, the entries from these posts will be added to our ever-growing tier list. So come back next Tuesday, send us any characters or people you want…
Look, I had a long week. I got married on April 2nd and then spent a week in Mexico. This week I’ve been catching up on way too much work and also haven’t done a great job of checking the inbox. So, instead of posting the best comedic content on the internet like we usually do, today I’m just going to share this wild clip of the time Chucky interrupted “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner’s brother Rick on a random episode of WCW Monday Night Nitro. It’s odd! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz1DHgdVKeE
Are you outraged by Bud Light recently doing the bare minimum for inclusion? Do you want a simple beer you can (technically) drink without making a political statement? Well, we’ve got you covered, and the best part is you don’t even have to sacrifice the best part of Budweiser, commercials with big ol’ horses! Our “Horse Beer” has been a staple at farms, ranches, and Kentucky Derby tracks since 1876, and in all that time, our company has never once made any kind of statement that could be read as implying anything other than the well-known fact that we love…