Having to wait for new games to install even when you have them on disc is ruining Christmas. Not to go on one of my classic boomer rants, but remember when Guitar Hero 2 came out and I was allowed to open it on Christmas Eve night? Remember how I played it so late into the night that I woke my dad up and he came into my room in just his boxers and yelled at me to go to sleep? Then I spent most of Christmas Day just wishing I could go back home from my grandparents house and…
Author: Walt Braley
Walt Braley
Walt Braley is an editor for the site you're reading right now. He took up comedy after being unmasked and forced to retire comically early in his luchador wrestling career.
Stop. Do not respond. Do not try to convince yourself that Aunt Penny might need your shirt size for something else. She doesn’t. The thing you fear most has come to fruition. You’re now typing your actual size and telling yourself “it can’t be that bad. It’ll end up being Stranger Things or a sports team I’m vaguely familiar with.” STOP. Need I remind you this is the same woman who gave Jake an inflatable poop pool ball last year? Did you just love watching your little cousin bounce a poop the size of the big stone balls outside a…
Totally… Yeah totally… 100%… I completely agree… Right, it’s sooo dope that the magic hat brought that snowman to life. So dope… But also, just kind throwing this out there, wouldn’t that top hat look really sick on me? No, yeah, for sure. I think you misunderstood me. I definitely think it’s a Christmas miracle that the snowman the Peterson’s kids built came to life. I also love the snowman. What? Oh, yeah, I heard about that. He like saved the Peterson family’s flower shop or something? Kind of not that weird that their flower store is struggling during the…
I’ve decided that this year, I’m treating Christmas exactly like Ray’s birthday party, Cynthia’s bridal shower, and Joe’s weekly Magic The Gathering night. I’m only going if I can confirm that no one I don’t want to be around is also going. It’s honestly pretty simple. I was invited to a party happening at my childhood home the night of the 24th and morning of the 25th. I am simply waiting to RSVP (text my mom I’ll be there) until I find out if any of these people are also invited and/or going to show up: Uncle Rob, my cousin…
This universal and relatable lifehack can be used by just about anyone this holiday season. It’s simple, effective, and will probably not lower your current status with your ex-wife any lower than it already is at this juncture. The next time you meet your ex to drop off your kids (4 and 6) on a Sunday afternoon, casually slip in during your goodbyes that you asked Santa for a Nintendo Switch 2. The entire ride back to their mom and Derek’s house, they will (assumedly) talk about how exciting that is and how cool it is that Santa is getting…
I have done a number of “if you come to this show I’ll do blank!” posts in the last year, and the only one I’ve ever had payoff was the one where if anyone yelled out “do the Dew” I would chug a Mountain Dew. It turned out, in that instance, my wife told them to yell that. So this time, no funny business. No games. No challenges. I am simply bringing a box of Robot Butt shirts to our show this Thursday night at Second City, and if you come to the show, I will give you one. Just…
I love making dumb fake marketing materials for things that don’t exist and simply could never exist and then posting those things to this website and pretending we made them earnestly. That’s all that this image should be. The visual is funny to me. The perfect nails. The little writing that says “cheeseburger” right under what is obviously a cheeseburger. It’s just a solid goof. If I had made this post the way I intended, the headline would have been “Hurry! This Burger Is On Sale But ONLY This One!” or something. The piece would have had lots of all…
You know how magazines used to get kickass Frazetta art and post seven page short stories called like “Eye of the Crystal Wizard” or whatever? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Magazines used to devote space to stuff like this: I thought it would be cool to make a joke version of that kind of thing for our website, since we’re kind of like a magazine (almost extinct) and I’m kind of like Robert E. Howard (obsessed with buff men), except not debatably racist.
I truly have no idea what to do about this. I was on Yelp looking to see what places around me had good reviews when I saw that there was apparently a small business literally at my exact address. That’s how I found out the bathroom in my apartment is listed for some reason and has over 900 reviews. I live completely alone. How is this happening? Who is letting these people in? I have be honest. After reading 700+ of the reviews, I am less upset by the mere existence and more bummed by the 3.2 out of 5…