We’ve all got that one friend who drained all $3,257 from their 401K because they thought it was finally time to become a Blues Legend. Sure, the money was enough to get them a stupid acoustic guitar, a rusty 1969 Buick Wildcat, and a sweet hat, but there’s no money left after that to buy any actual life experience. The only thing they have the blues about is being broke and they don’t even truly feel that because they’re rocking a sick-ass hat and you aren’t.
You’re probably wondering how you can help them with their dream. It’s pretty simple. All you need to do is completely destroy their life in every possible way you can imagine. Follow the blueprint here and you’ll have them up to their butthole with the blues in no time. They’ll be booking all the nicest coffee shops in town.
If your life is perfect like mine, it can be hard to come up with fun and harmless ways to stir your friend’s pot, so I’ve jotted down a few simple things anyone can do to show their love.
Nothing gets the ball rolling like crack. It’s cheap enough that you can supply them a couple of times without wasting a fat load of your own dough. They’ll get hooked, sure, but don’t forget that they’re broke now so they won’t be able to get too strung out. Before you know it, they’re combing through the carpet fibers for crack dust and jabbering lyrics.
If you aren’t already doing so, sleep with their mom / wife / girlfriend / sister / boyfriend / dad. Consider looping in more than one person at a time for maximum impact. This is your chance to get creative. A word of warning: it’s critical that you do not use your best moves or you risk getting stuck in a long-term situation that you don’t have time for. Videoing the acts is optional, but it will help the blues really sink in.
Take a break from the sex and drugs to Benjamin Button their cat. Replace it every week or two with a smaller version of the same cat so they think it is aging in reverse. Admittedly, this one is less about the blues and more about entertaining you. You’re here for a good time too.
Book gigs for them at funerals, ribbon cuttings, circumcisions, and libraries. When they get mad at you for all the idiotic venues, make fun of their hat. They’ll get insecure about the hat and throw it away. Now YOU have a sweet-ass hat!
Cut their brake lines. It’s a classic for a reason.
Visit them in the hospital after the brake line crash. Try your hand at IV fluid management. Inject whatever you have on you. Push all the buttons on all the machines. If you’ve ever wanted to let the intrusive thoughts win, now’s your chance! Make sure to wear the hat. Take a selfie and post it to their social media accounts. If one or both of their fans comment, tell them you need money for his operation. They’re likely to start a funding campaign and that’s your chance to ride that wave straight to the bank.
You’ve worked hard, now sit back and enjoy fruit from the blues tree whose seeds you planted. The freshly lit dumpster fire that is your BFF’s life will spew forth hit after hit all thanks to you and the gift you gave them: The Blues.
Don’t take your foot off the accelerator for too long though, he’ll still need inspiration for the world tour.