I love sports. I love watching sports. I love the roar of the crowds, the smell of the hot dogs, the squeak of the sneakers on a basketball court. But I never really got into playing sports. I don’t have the stamina to work on my physical fitness and my hand–eye coordination is so-so. Meanwhile, genetics mean my height topped out at a towering 5’6”, putting my dream of playing in the NBA literally beyond my reach before I was even born. If we wish to live in a truly democratic society, we simply cannot accept such an injustice.
And soon we may not have to, with yet another miracle innovation out of Silicon Valley set to bring about a sea change in the world of sports and physical activity. The Data Annotation Technology-based Artificial Skeletal Support—or DAT ASS, for short—is the latest stroke of genius from Noel Fragrance and his tech enterprise Stale. Exoskeletons have been on the market for some time now, of course, but this is the first model that does more than just assist users—it enhances them as human beings. Before you know it, those golden 10,000 hours could be reduced to a single one-hour calibration.
DAT ASS is more than an exoskeleton. It’s an exoskeleton that has been trained on trillions of datapoints, rigorously collected, analyzed, and categorized by Stale drones. But what really makes DAT ASS stand out is how these data were collected. That’s because Stale knew that simply analyzing hundreds of thousands of hours of sports video wasn’t going to be enough. So they went one step further and deployed a system they call “fully integrated data capture.” First, they collected every piece of video material of every single NBA player between 1954 and now and carefully inserted it into DAT ASS. But that was still only half the puzzle. The genius came when they signed a three-way deal with MyRing and the NBA, enabling them to unlock the full potential of elite athletes both on and off the court—starting in the 2026/27 season, all NBA players will be given non-removable smart rings that will track their every waking (and non-waking) moment.
So what can DAT ASS do? In shorts, whatever you want it to. Want to work on your three-pointers? No need. Now, all you need to do is envision yourself hitting nothing but net and give your body over to DAT ASS. Not only does its over-the-air operating system integrate directly into your brain waves, but its exoskeleton senses micromovements in your limbs and anticipates your next move—in other words, DAT ASS knows exactly what you want. Soon, training and practice will become redundant and elite-level sport will no longer be the reserve of, well, the elites. DAT ASS will truly democratize the sporting process—finally.
Fans are already queuing up to get a piece of DAT ASS, with around 12 people signing up to be part of the next test phase. Meanwhile, the NBA is busy making preparations for a mid-season spectacle that will put the All back into All-Star Game, as true American dreamers strap on DAT ASS and go cheek-to-cheek against some soon-to-be-obsolescent elites.
Stale anticipates that DAT ASS could be ready for market as early as 2027 and is urging regulators not to let “major safety concerns” stand in the way of growth and innovation. The company expects to slap DAT ASS with a retail price of around $2,000 for the exoskeleton, plus $15,000 for the initial calibration. Users can then insert “tokens” (sold separately) into DAT ASS’s proprietary digital slot to purchase movements—early adopters will, we hear, receive 1,000 free tokens to get them started on their democratizing journey.
Humans have been shackled by their own humanity for too long. It’s about time we did something about that. DAT ASS is the future. DAT ASS is what freedom looks like.