In a recent NASA Advisory Council (NAC) hearing at the Mary W. Jackson NASA Headquarters in Washington, DC, a man claiming to be from Brooklyn, New York – identifying himself only as “Firpo” – submitted testimony regarding gastrointestinal events during space travel.
Firpo cited recent Artemis II mission “operational issues” involving NASA’s Universal Waste Management System (UWMS) – “the terlit.”
In his proposal, coined “The Artemis Methane Initiative” (TMI), Firpo recommended, in cooperation with corporate sponsorship and potential funding from companies such as Glad, Hefty, and Febreze – that the agency develop NASA-grade odor containment pouches (OCP) – “high-end Zippy bags for farts.”
Firpo’s “Gastrointestinal Atmospheric Sampling” (GAS) research confirmed that without gravity to drive natural convection, flatulence loses its buoyancy-driven movement and no longer dissipates naturally from the astronaut who emitted it.
“The gas remains suspended around the individual,” Firpo testified, “leaving astronauts trapped inside a virtual nebula of their own farts.”
Firpo further stated that these findings support longstanding investigative conclusions by Snopes, the online fact-checking site, regarding the probable origin of the phrase “whoever smelt it dealt it.”
Firpo reportedly acquired extensive knowledge in this field during his study of SBOs – “Silent But Orbiting” flatulence – and related malodorous retention events, as documented in his book The Giving Pants: Behind the Scenes, published by vanity press giant Austin, Macauley, & Ziggy.
Firpo has also been credited with spearheading the public service campaign: “If Sitting Is the New Smoking, Then I’m Going to Need a Bigger Ashtray,” whose print advertisements depict a large-derriered man seated inside an overflowing ashtray of cigarette butts.
Among Firpo’s additional credentials was a recent first-place finish in the “Fastest Foot Through the Jockey Underwear Leg Hole Without Falling Over” competition in the annual Cupid’s Undie Run briefs challenge in Seaside Heights, New Jersey.
According to hearing transcripts, Firpo described the award as further evidence of his “spherical intellectual roundness” in the field of gastrointestinal retention and emissions.
Firpo concluded the hearing by attempting to demonstrate zero-gravity gas retention. After distributing cannellini beans to the panel and requesting that all windows be sealed shut, he began assembling two folding chairs and a Craftsman-Ferrari 100Gallon, 600-Horsepower Shop-Vac.
NASA security immediately escorted Firpo from the building.
“You can put a man on the moon,” Firpo reportedly yelled while being removed from the premises, “but apparently you still can’t keep a window shut.”
The hearing was suspended pending further investigation into Firpo’s identity and the status of any outstanding warrants for his arrest.