America is now well into its Terrible 200s and, as such, needs to have a state motto update.
For instance, Alabama’s motto is “We dare defend our rights.” But a better update would be “Still hoarding displaced Confederate statues.”
Alaska should change to “Failed politicians, melting ice”
Arizona – “Welcome to our cactus-filled oven”
Arkansas – “Walmart owned and operated since 1970”
California – “Come see why your kid leaves their home and comes here. But don’t worry, they’ll be back.”
Colorado – “Rocky Mountain high. (Get It?)”
Connecticut – “America’s stiff upper lip”
Delaware – “Don’t give us another thought”
Florida – “God’s filmy undercarriage”
Georgia – “Black People Aren’t Counted on Voter Rolls. (Plus, we like peaches)”
Hawaii – “Attacked by Japan, but based on the current population, you’d think Japan won”
Idaho – “Take in the potato flavor. Pick up the spent shell casings.”
Illinois – “Land of Lincoln and prison for ex-governors”
Indiana – “Back home again…. for a very short stretch before leaving again for a much better state”
Iowa – “Who wants a warm corn husk?”
Kansas – “Ever Heard of Topeka? (We didn’t think so)”
Kentucky – “Horse rides on bourbon, waking up sick the next day on bluegrass”
Louisiana – “Dredging the bayou for bodies”
Maine – “Stephen King in a lobster costume”
Maryland – “We like having crabs”
Massachusetts – “Founded by two waves of religious nuts”
Michigan – “Pretty Nice (if you don’t include Detroit)”
Minnesota – “You’ll never leave this place, Sigrid”
Mississippi – “The less said, the better”
Missouri – “ARCH Conservatives”
Montana – “The race war starts here”
Nebraska – “Silos of loneliness”
Nevada – “Meth to rot your mouth, silver to fill it back up”
New Hampshire – “Without the first primary, completely insignificant”
New Jersey – “Really not as bad as every single film and TV show suggests”
New Mexico – “Birthplace of nuclear winter”
New York – “The world-class city and a bunch of overlooked towns”
North Carolina – “Plan around the hurricanes”
North Dakota – “Have you seen Fargo?”
Ohio – “Land of mediocre presidents”
Oklahoma – “Barely even OK”
Oregon – “Bring your homemade bong”
Pennsylvania – “How many lonely, dark roads can one state have?”
Rhode Island – “True, we’re not actually an island”
South Carolina – “Do you like to sweat profusely?”
South Dakota – “Alfred Hitchcock shot a movie here for a few days. We will never stop talking about it.”
Tennessee – “The only ten I s— Who are we kidding? We’re a 5 at best.”
Texas – “Where everything’s bigger (Except the gun restrictions)”
Utah – “Mormonic”
Virginia – “Where the criminals who work in DC live”
Vermont – “Get high with elderly swingers”
Washington – “How’s the pot? Bet you didn’t even notice it’s raining.”
West Virginia – “Coal and square dances. Oh yeah!”
Wisconsin – “Could you possibly not know of our pride in cheese?”
Wyoming – “Rock faces and lonely places.”