America is now well into its Terrible 200s and, as such, needs to have a state motto update. For instance, Alabama’s motto is “We dare defend our rights.” But a better update would be “Still hoarding displaced Confederate statues.” Alaska should change to “Failed politicians, melting ice” Arizona – “Welcome to our cactus-filled oven” Arkansas – “Walmart owned and operated since 1970” California – “Come see why your kid leaves their home and comes here. But don’t worry, they’ll be back.” Colorado – “Rocky Mountain high. (Get It?)” Connecticut – “America’s stiff upper lip” Delaware – “Don’t give us another…
Author: Shawn Carlow
Shawn Carlow
Shawn Carlow is a man. But more than a man, he is also a confounding mix of chemicals and brainwave activity. He has done standup around LA, written and directed award-winning shorts and produced and written for Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Wil Wheaton, and Deon Cole. Hooray.
Hi, I’m one of those Northerners you hear about all the time who refuses to get over the Civil War. I ride around with my Fort Sumter replica flag on the roof of my car playing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” at top volume out the windows, and I constantly lament the fact that Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson went so soft on the South when it came to that whole Reconstruction thing. Now, I’ve been to a bunch of Civil War reenactments with my Northern buddies, and we usually drink to excess that first night around the campfire…