Hey everyone, it’s nice to meet you all. This is my first session because as you may know I have been a little reluctant to join. My name is Paul and I am a minor superhero.
I understand you all say there are no minor superheroes or minor superpowers, that our strength comes from our heart and our power comes from our actions.. well my power comes from my ass and it’s kind of hard to find anyone who actually WANTS my help. Yeah that’s right I have super spider powers, but not like Peter frickin’ Parker, no… he gets bit by a spider his body turns into a supermodel with superhuman strength and a very useful ability to shoot webs FROM HIS HANDS!
You know what happened to me?? I swallowed a radioactive spider that crawled into my mouth when I was asleep and all I got was a web-slinging asshole! Do you know how much it sucks to walk around all day with a hole in the ass of my pants just in case “danger is afoot”?! People don’t think I’m a hero, they think I’m a pervert!
Oh and to make matters worse, of course, we live in a universe where all the good spider-related superhero names are already taken! Someone told me to go by Daddy Long Leg, but again doesn’t help because I’m like 5’7 so… Black Widow doesn’t even have any frickin’ spider powers what the hell! She just has a fat ass in a black suit, are we gonna start naming the Kardashians after spiders too?? I’m sorry I’m getting upset, I think I just need some water… Can someone help me get this chair off my ass, please?