“Indifference to Running” Explanation to Replace Ralphie VI a Cover?
Before its third football game, The University of Colorado unleashed living buffalo mascot Ralphie VII to lead its gridders onto the field, perpetuating an iconic NCAA tradition dating from 1967.
Like seemingly everything in today’s culture, Ralphie VII’s usurpation came clouded in controversy.
Leftist conspiracy theorists whisper that Ember (they/them), aka Ralphie VI, fired as the season started, was put out to pasture after four years for political reasons.
The unveiling of the new mascot, nonetheless, suggests The University refused to be buffaloed.
Ralphie VII, aka Jules (they/them), a female like all others in the line despite its gender-neutral moniker, was quickly groomed to be Ember’s replacement.
The surprise announcement of Ember’s start of the season banishment proclaimed that Ember had developed an “indifference to running.” A posting claimed that “like a distinguished matron,” Ember’s favorite hobby had become to welcome “lady-like strolls in the pasture.”
The Trump Administration and MAGA movement’s “gender purity” ethos sealed Ember’s fate according to a C.U. professor speaking anonymously.
He/him claimed, “Ember’s firing, like some third-rate apprentice or popular late-night talk show host, was yet another example of the administration’s bullying tactics. I am ecstatic the university didn’t cave, replacing Ralphie with a male animal just to appease right wingers.”
Trump (he/him) famously championed the elimination of transgender athletes (“biologically born males”) competing against females in women’s sports. Cabinet members have also touted stay-at-home moms, talked of eliminating women from the military, canned DEI hires, and maligned “woke” women and cat ladies.
Jules and Ember, like the five Ralphies who proceeded them, are biologically born females.
“Hot Lips” Karoline Leavitt (she/her), the Press Secretary the President gushes over, inferred before Jules’ ascendency that Ember was another DEI hire, taking the place of deserving male buffaloes. Ironic, since all the Ralphies have been Bison rather than buffaloes.
The “Colorado Rocky the Vote Organization” alleges that the Trump Administration, in its ongoing campaign to put pressure on collegian bastions of liberal thought, threatened to reduce federal funding for the Blue State university if it didn’t comply with the backchannel request to find a “fitting male Ralphie replacement for Ember.”
Conspiracists suggest that members of the Administration have been trying to affect Ralphie changes since the Donald’s first term, during which Ralphie V led field charges until Ember’s ascension in 2019. The then and future POTUS felt that Blackout, whose first run was in 2008, had been named to honor Trump’s predecessor.
With a demonstrated skill attacking opponents where they’re most vulnerable while simultaneously feeding red meat (sorry, Ember/Jules) to supporters (hello, she/her Lauren Boebert), replacing Ralphie VI for “gender purity objectives” seemed the perfect target to hurt the football mad Rockies’ university, akin to going after Harvard’s endowment or Berkeley’s immigrant policies.
University Administrators in Boulder “knew they were between a rock and hard place” and had to sacrifice Ember according to the “straight poop” from one of Ember’s devastated Pooper Scoopers.
Taylor Stratton, Director of the Ralphie Live Mascot Program reassured that Ember “will continue to get the same top level of love and care that all our Ralphies receive, and [they] will enjoy socializing with Ralphie V.”
This last Saturday, Jules, like Ember and their predecessors, charged in front of the team as gridders stampeded from under the stands prepared to vanquish pigskin invaders.
In their prime, Ember led the charge onto the field doing about 25 mph.
Colorado’s media-savvy Coach Deion Sanders (he/him), probably wanting to avoid stepping in a big pile of buffalo doo-doo, issued a broad “no comment” when asked about this earth-shaking, new revelation.
Prime Time did, however, offer, “I hope someday for a White House invitation to celebrate a national championship. I’d meet with Hitler if he were in office when that invite came. And I’d bring whatever Ralphie they wanted to cavort through the Rose Garden, if that still exists.”
Ralphie VII was a gift from a Steamboat Springs farm, the first Colorado born mascot since Ralph and Moonshine, Ralphies I and II. Online speculation indicated that the White House offered a free male Asian water buffalo as a replacement, complements of Trump’s good friends in Qatar.
“Ralphie VII is going to do a great job,” Handler Trevor DeBaere said. “I’m excited to see an aggressive, fast buffalo.” Code words for almost male?
Other animal mascots abound in college sports. What questions would POTUS and his minions have about their gender (certainly not PETA regulatory concerns)?
Are Georgia’s Uga the Bulldog, LSU’s Mike the Tiger, and Texas’ longhorn Bevo fitting males for a gladiator sport like football?
And what’s with Baylor’s bears, Joy and Lady? is the rationale for their gender dependent upon the same justification for the fake-men Ralphies through the years — that females in any species are easier to control?
At least they’re not fake, like, appropriately, Cal’s Oski the Bear mascot.
Lastly, and on a related note, should Arkansas’ Russian boar mascot Tusk be Americanized? Should Razorback nation sacrifice NIL money to pay a tariff for importing his ilk?
No fear. Luckily for those mascots, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, and Arkansas all voted correctly in 2024 according to Trump’s Justice Department.
