For years, staff and contributors alike have long taken advantage of the interns. From tales of forced marches naked in the Winter snow to forced marches naked at Disneyland’s California Adventure, what some may write-off as simply the cost of doing business in the world of publishing, I call inhumane.
And so, on behalf of the interns,* I am posting their demands, requests, and/or pleas.
Devon Kirkwood, Boston
I understand internships are unpaid, but you’ve been taking pictures of my feet and selling them on SexyInternFeet.com for two years. Two years! I’ve seen the receipts, you jerks. I know what my feet are worth and I want my share! My feet, my right! And my left!
Eddie Dash, San Diego
Stop taking out life insurance policies on us and then making us engage in bloodsports involving old-timey tridents. It’s bad enough you weirdos sit there devouring whole chickens and drinking from goblets like you’re attending Medieval Times. This isn’t a game! I mean, yeah, technically, but… You get it.
Allison Torres, Mesa
I thought this job would be filing papers and reading submissions. Instead, I’m having to keep my mouth shut and let the IRS keep thinking I’m a set of disabled triplets that the editors write off as dependents every year. Twins are one thing, but triplets? That’s like 10 people!
Charlie Bergstrom, Unknown
Please, let me out of this basement. I want to see my family again. I won’t tell anyone what happened, I swear! Just let me out!
Really, Robot Butt staff and contributors? Is this the legacy you want? When you stand before the good lord and are judged on how you treated others during your time on Earth, how will you plead?
Me? I sleep each night with a clean conscience knowing that not only am I helping these poor interns in their battle for basic compassion and fair treatment, but that I now possess enough blackmail to live a pretty cushy life in the Caymans under the new name of Miguel Sanchez.
*NOTE: Each of the interns asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, but, I’ll be honest, ‘anonymous’ is kind of a big word and I don’t own a dictionary.