You’re 23. You and your friends had always planned on getting a killer pad in The City. But the rents? JFC.
Then your mom’s cousin’s friend hooked you up with a rental house in a leafy suburb right off the Metro North. You know the place — Alo moms, Dads in Rivians, old town-y Main street with a bakery next to an IV “lounge” next to a wooden German toy shop.
In towns like this, Halloween can be treacherous for young renters. Hopefully, these tips will get you through!
Tip #1: Don’t Try To School the Seeds
When the weird kid from down the block comes trick-or-treating, simply hand over the candy and wish him a Happy Halloween. That’s it. When he starts asking questions about your life, your job, why you drive your “station car” all over town, that’s not your invitation to “be honest with him, too” and explain how Top of the Food Chain Men don’t wear helmets on “safe-as-fuck cul de sacs.” While this is advice someone needs to tell him, it isn’t you.
Tip #2: Frozen Costumes Are A Trap
When it’s 4 PM, and the fourteenth Elsa and Anna bang on your door, say something generic like “‘Let it Go’ is like the best song!” Or “That Olaf, he is hilarious!” I mean, sure, when that minx Anna does her little dance with the Duke of Weselton, it’s sexy as hell. It is. Still, you don’t need to do the dance and say this out loud. Especially if the kids you say it to are not great about repeating who you said was sexy as hell. It can go sideways fast!
Tip #3: People Are Really Touchy About Fentanyl
Your friend with kids gave you great advice: Get full-sized candy bars. You’ll be a legend. However, and this is an important detail, as you’re handing them out, do not joke about how full-sized candy bars are just easier to inject with fentanyl. It’s a joke. Obviously. Suburban moms, and nannies, especially Caribbean nannies… Bro, no sense of humor.
Tip #4: Sometimes A Real Estate Agent Really Is A Real Estate Agent
Towns like this are crawling with real estate agents. One will hand you a card “for when you’re ready to buy.” Hear me on this one. Even if she seems to be flirting with you. No, especially if she seems to be flirting with you. Do not ask if this is like “the opening scene of a Pornhub video?” It isn’t. This is not Montreal, and you are not your friend Evan.
Tip #5: When It Comes to Nut Allergies, Yoga Moms Bug Out
A mom will inevitably ask if there are any “nut-free options.” Oh man, there are so many things not to say here. In addition to all of those, you also do not want to ask if she’s seen the Louis CK bit on nut allergies. And, if she hasn’t, you most definitely do not want to perform it for her on your front porch. Especially if you, like all of us would, end up butchering the set up, then just fucking nailing the punch line: But maybe, if touching a nut kills you, you’re supposed to die! She will get RIGHT UP in your face, and will not appreciate the performance skills you honed as lead initiator of the IMPROV-able Cause improv troupe.
Tip #6: Narcs. Are. Everywhere.
You and your buddies had that epic group text on creepy Halloween decorations. Everyone had the usual stuff. Blood. Skeletons. Witches. Then you had the idea of getting one of those 10-foot ghost inflatables, and projecting Charlie Kirk’s face onto it. The boys were ROFLing. I mean, it’s a GREAT idea.
Don’t. Do. It.
Even if you wait till dark to turn on the projection.
Even if you just turn it on long enough to grab a picture for your socials.
Someone will see it. And send it to the Mom’s Group on Facebook.
Who will send it to the Alderman around the corner.
Who will send it to the police.
Who will come to your house. And really lay into you about how Charlie was a hero. And, what if kids saw it? And if it were up to him, he would run shitbird renters like you out of town on a rail. A rail!
Also, remember how during your first week on the job you let Lisa follow you on Instagram? Turns out she is really fast at screenshotting stories, loves Charlie Kirk and is most definitely not afraid to share it all with HR.
Finally, A Request
If you found these tips helpful, please consider contributing to our GoFundMe. The page says “Help Penny, Our Beloved Yorkshire Terrier, Walk Again.” That’s us. If you give, I can explain.