Dear Tooth Fairy,
Let me start with this, I respect what you do. Your job is nonstop. You never get days off. You’re on-call 365 nights a year. You have to travel internationally at the drop of a tooth. You are handling teeth that may have not been properly cared for and to my knowledge, doing so without judgement. Who knows if you even have proper PPE for some of those cases? Your work is very demanding.However, I do not trust you.
My parents hammered into my head “do not trust strangers.” They definitely don’t want me inviting them into the home. But with you, there’s this blind spot they have. I think they’re being irresponsible and borderline reckless. The promise of cash has completely clouded their judgment about predators and kidnappers. I’m not saying that you’re either of those things as you seem to have a great reputation, but you can never be too careful. I don’t know if you have a criminal record. You could have a past you’re not proud of but people can change. I used to wet the bed and I don’t now so I am living-proof. I hope you’re on the right path now. Anyway, unless my parents know you personally (which I think is against the rules) I think they should be charged with child-endangerment. When I lose a tooth, apparently the rule book titled “How To Keep Your Kid Safe” gets tossed out the window and lit on fire. My parents even encourage me to invite a stranger (aka you) into our home under the cover of darkness. They suggest that I write you a note luring you into my room while I sleep. I get that traditionally this is the way your transactions work, but I’m asking if you would consider an alternative.
I know that you need my teeth to build your kingdom. You know I need the money to buy myself a Ring Home Security System for my bedroom and an underground bunker in case of emergency. Unfortunately though,I watch the news with my parents so I can’t let you into my home. I have a solution. Would you consider doing all future transactions through the mail? I will still write you a very thoughtful letter keeping you updated on where I’m at in life. I’ll even tell you about my crushes. People are always asking about my crushes! I’ll give you a full report of how much I’m brushing and flossing. I hope my teeth will be evidence of that for you. I will ensure to give you a product that will be worthy of your castle. When my pearly whites are ready for you, I will put the red flag up on the mailbox and keep the tooth inside the envelope with the letter that is addressed to the one and only Tooth Fairy. Would you mind just leaving the cash in the mailbox? Or you could Venmo me $20. I think this is a much safer option. Honestly, I think it will cut down on your travel time. UPS drivers don’t even have a truck door to save them time. I really think the mailbox transactions can be just as efficient. Also, digital transactions would be nice anyway because I never have time to get to the bank. My parents showed me YouTube videos of how dangerous E-Bikes are so now that I have to scooter everywhere, I just don’t have the luxury of time like you may think I do. I also think this will help with your own safety. You never know what you’re walking into either.
Sincerely,
A Seriously Concerned Child