“Welcome to ‘Extreme Breed Makeover,’ the competition in which six new breeds designed to take on the challenges of the modern world will be vying for the chance to garner the top prize at the world’s oldest dog show. This should be a wild ride. Let’s go down to the floor for the judging.
First up is Misfit, a Japanese AIkita, the prototype of a new breed designed entirely using ChatGPT. Misfit is the perfect name for this lovable specimen, who possesses the bear-like head of a traditional Akita crossed with the body of an Irish terrier and the legs of a dachshund. One intriguing feature of Misfit is her human toenails, painted a sparkly lavender, making her truly one of a kind. Trainer Kelsey, a bioengineer by profession, tells us she was calling to make a mani-pedi appointment while the script for Misfit’s genetic code was open on her laptop. Now that’s an origin story worthy of a Marvel comic.
Next in line is Po’ Boy, a Lhasa AFSA, the first breed genetically engineered to provide emotional support for recent college graduates. Those idealistic young people should flock to Po’ Boy and his breedmates once they realize what their hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt will yield them on the current job market. Trainer Stacy, an English major at Wellesley, will rely on Po’ Boy’s companionship after she graduates this spring and returns to her parents’ house to start a job as a cashier at 7-Eleven.
Our third dog is Satoshi, a Bitcoin Frise, also known as a Blockchain terrier. Fiercely mistrustful of authority, Satoshi bristles at any attempt to walk him, preferring to do his business behind the shrubs in his backyard, away from prying eyes. He spends his days hoarding his kibble and guarding his dog bed in the shadowy basement of the house he grudgingly shares with the humans he treats as existential threats. Satoshi growls and snaps at any brave soul who dares to emerge from upstairs to check on his well-being, although he now permits his humans to descend to do laundry unmolested after they convinced him it is no different from money laundering. True to his beliefs, Satoshi is competing without a trainer and has refused all attempts to capture his biometric data.
Here comes Rupert, a Fox News terrier. His ivory coat is rough to the touch, almost leathery, the quintessence of hidebound. Rupert subsists on a steady diet of red meat and pablum. Although docile around dogs similar to him in appearance, Rupert turns into an entirely different creature when he sniffs out dogs of a different breed or color. And just like that, he has stopped halfway into his promenade past the judges to bark at the Japanese AIkita, straining at the leash and nearly sending trainer Jesse tumbling into the judges’ table. Despite his belligerent demeanor, Rupert remains a fan favorite, although we must take into consideration that polling is conducted exclusively among households with landlines.
This ball of nerves is Forchen, an American Original Whackadoodle. More social experiment than unique breed, Forchen is a standard Goldendoodle who was subjected to years of disinformation in a laboratory before being released into the wider world. He spends his days yipping and jumping out at threats only he can see. Trainer Alex says that living with Forchen is exhausting. Left alone for ten minutes, he will tear his way through a hamper to strew dirty laundry all over the bedroom, then move on to destroy another area of the house while his beleaguered handler cleans up the last mess. If their beloved psycho pooch does not take home the grand prize, Forchen’s rabid cadre of online supporters from the nether regions of the dark web has vowed to hound and doxx the judges until they repent.
Last but not least is Magma, a Russian toy, a traditional breed but with a twist that has opened a gaping rift in the canine community. Magma’s wrinkly coat sports a bright orange hue dappled with brown, imbuing him with the aura of an octogenarian who fell asleep for hours in the blistering Palm Beach sun. His hangdog expression belies a prissy demeanor prone to agitation. Trainer Vlad reports that Magma’s temper tantrums often turn volcanic, but frequent stroking sessions in the lap of his imperious Russian handler soothe the nerves of this excitable beast.
The judges are conferring at the table. You can hear a pin drop in the arena. We’re moments away from finding out who will emerge as the top dog among these majestic representatives of the cutting edge of canine breeding technology.
A fracas has broken out on the floor. Forchen, Satoshi, and Rupert are bullying poor Misfit. Po’ Boy has laid his tiny body across his cowering competitor’s bedazzled toenails. Oh, no! Satoshi just nipped at an official who was attempting to insert himself in the middle of this unseemly dogpile.
Vlad has snatched the crown off the table and is placing it on Magma. The devious manipulator is holding his dutiful charge over his head and shouting, “This contest is rigged. Stop the judging. Long live the new king.”
Folks, we’re going to commercial break. I hope order will have been restored when we return. And let’s all pray that an institution that has persevered for a century and a half can survive such a blatant power grab.”