My dad can beat up your dad. For most adults, hearing this infamous phrase brings us back to our youth. Suddenly, we’re ten years old again, climbing to the top of the monkey bars to get a better view of the fight. Below, we can see Ryan, the school bully, whipping the ever-living shit out of Bo (who used to be called Bo-peep because of his slight build). Ryan winds up for a climatic win—and POW, the fight’s over. Ryan swaggers away victorious and snarling while Bo is left to cough up blood. But wait. The fight’s not over. Overcome with anger and embarrassment, Bo shouts, “My dad can beat up your dad.”
Really? Where the hell did that come from? And more importantly, is there truth in this taunt?
In the largest social science experiment of its kind, Doctor JJ Mixer set out to answer these two questions.
- Why do kids feel compelled to lash out with this specific taunt? And,
- Is there any scientific proof to support this claim?
Doctor JJ Mixer argues the origins of the taunt can be explained by the MacDonald Paradox. This paradox stems from thirteenth century Scotland where thousands of the MacLeod Clan were put to death by the opposing MacDonalds. Joseph MacDonald, who was a child at the time, observed that immediately preceding many of the executions, the MacLeods would shout seemingly random taunts: ‘your mothers were whores’ or ‘your fathers lay with sheep’. It wasn’t until Joseph MacDonald reached his twenties before he discovered the dark secrets of his own lineage—his mother had indeed been a whore and his father (and grandfather) had been a sheep farmer. This revelation ultimately set Joseph MacDonald on a journey to developing his MacDonald Paradox. This paradox states, in moments of heightened emotion (including, but not limited to the moments before one’s death) a subject may experience a moment of absolute clarity. This may manifest in the absolute knowledge of historic events, current secrets, and lottery numbers.
Building on the MacDonald Paradox, Doctor JJ Mixer hypothesized that, in the example of Ryan versus Bo, that Bo has tapped into this hidden ability. Thus, Bo’s claim, ‘My dad can beat up your dad’, must be true.
Doctor JJ Mixer followed up his postulation with a series of experiments intending to prove his hypothesis. Securing funding through various Kickstarter campaigns, he arranged for 300 bullies across America to randomly select a wimp at their school and beat them senseless. From those relentless beatings, 92 of the wimps shouted, “My dad can kick your dad’s ass”. Next, Doctor JJ Mixer arranged for the father of these the boys to fight.
In an interview with Doctor JJ Mixer (Social Science Times (2019)), he stated, “arranging these fights proved to be the most challenging part of my research. You see, the dads couldn’t know this was an experiment. They had to believe it was real. To achieve this, I had to use ‘a range of manipulative methods.’”
While Doctor JJ Mixer never fully disclosed his manipulative methods, at least one is revealed in the 2018 court records of the case Smith versus Rodriguez. In the court transcripts, the defendant (Rodriguez) stated, “I went after him (Smith) because he was sleeping with my wife. At least I thought he was. It turned out to be some lie—just some social scientist trying to get us to fight.”
Irrespective of Doctor JJ Mixer’s manipulative methods, his findings rocked the social scientific world. Originally published in Social Science Times (2019), Doctor JJ Mixer stated: “Evidence suggests the schoolyard taunt ‘My dad can kick your dad’s ass’ is false. In only 2% of the observed dad-fights did the father of the wimp beat down the father of the bully. And those 2% were largely due to the bully’s father being intoxicated.”
This was a heart-breaking end to Doctor JJ Mixer’s life’s work and sent him into a downward spiral of alcoholism and gambling.
Two years after Doctor JJ Mixer published his findings, he returned home to find he’d missed a call from a childhood friend, Bo Hamilton (aka Bo-peep). This was the same Bo-peep whose ass was kicked, years ago, by the bully Ryan and had sparked Doctor JJ Mixer’s original interest in his research. Bo-peep left the following message on Doctor JJ Mixer’s voicemail.
“JJ, it’s been a while. Listen, I was on my way to Argentina when I ran across your publication. Honestly, I feel for you. That’s a hard end to so many years’ research. Anyway, it got me thinking about back when we were in school. I remember the day that prick Ryan beat me up in front of the school. Man, that was embarrassing! I don’t remember if I said ‘my dad could kick his dad’s ass’. I hope not. My dad was a Wall Street investor. He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag. (chuckles) Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. As for me, I mostly lay low. I own a couple dozen technology companies, but I leave the management to my executive minions. Hey, and between you and me, I hear Ryan is in prison now trading half-smoked cigarettes for an extra bar of soap. So, I don’t know. Maybe ‘my dad can kick your dad’s ass’ is indicative of karma.”
After years in hiatus, Doctor JJ Mixer had found his newest inspiration.
He now returns to the social science scene with his newest hypothesis—My dad can kick your dad’s ass: using karma to explain the truth behind the taunt. If you’d like to support Doctor JJ Mixer in his research, please donate at Kickstarter.com.
