I’m a not well-known humor writer who has not been published on some of the finest humor websites on the internet. You’re probably hoping to have your humor writing not published by some of the finest humor sites, as well. You’re in luck! I’m about to share mistakes I’ve made in submitting humorous articles and the secrets to my non-success. If you follow my lead, your writing will live in obscurity for many years to come!
Know What Editors Don’t Want – Don’t make the same mistake I made in dealing with an editor. Apparently, editors don’t want you to visit them at their homes. For this one hilarious website, I accidentally found out where the editor lived and I accidentally went to his house. When I introduced myself and presented a copy of my work to him, he looked at my work and said, “Who the hell are you? What are you doing at my house? Also, the piece had some funny moments, but the ending is weak. I’m going to pass this time.” Lesson: Home visits, like weak endings, are bad.
Know Your Audience – It turns out that I needed a new prescription for my glasses, as I saw the editorial advice Know Your Audience as Knock Your Audience. Blurry eyed and ill-advised, I thought I was supposed to offend my audience. So, I wrote a profanity laden blog post insulting the intelligence, weight, hair style, and political views of all my readers. I was shocked to see that my readership immediately dropped from seven unique readers per month to negative three unique readers per month. Lesson: LensCrafters has some great deals on new frames and lenses. Visit your local store for more details.
Understand What Kinds of Pieces Are Really Desired – This one took a while to figure out, but after many hours of research, I finally broke the code. When editors say they want “Creative, Elevated Humor,” what they want are “A List of Things That Could Hilariously Come From Two Seemingly Dissimilar Categories.” Humorous lists like this date back to the days of Moses, who famously wrote the first humorous comparing list: Top Ten Commandments or Top Ten Animals Noah Didn’t Want on the Ark. Humorist Mark Twain put his folksy spin on lists with his 1877 piece How I Wrote The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County or How I Got the High Score on Frogger. Dorothy Parker crafted her first list in 1953 when she penned the oft-quoted My Favorite Pithy Insults or My Favorite Elvis Lyrics. Stand-up comedian George Carlin authored the 1972 list Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television or Seven Tips for a Delightful Casserole. I’m happy to say that I’m currently working on my first list: Applebee’s Menu Items or Common Orthopedic Problems. My entries so far include Spinach and Artichoke Tunnel Syndrome, Fiesta Lime Ligament Tears, and Four Cheese Mac and Cheese with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Lesson: List ’em.
Be Yourself – The trick here is to not be yourself, but to be yourself as a funnier writer. Lesson: Make with the jokes, Jack!
Timely Humor Welcome – By the time you read this, the topic you want to write about will no longer be considered timely, and someone else will have already written about it. Lesson: Learn to predict the future.
Submitting to The New Yorker’s Daily Shouts – Since 1925, The New Yorker has been the nation’s leading source of sophisticated humorous writings. To send your humor to them, there are just a few simple guidelines: 1. Submissions must be in PDF form. 2. You will never be published in The New Yorker. 3. Unless you sacrifice one of your children to the New Yorker Humor Gods. Lesson: You can always have more children.
