Welcome to Tubi Tuesday. An ongoing experiment where we dig into some of the weird, underrated, and downright abysmal movies we don’t think our real life friends would let us talk at length about. At the time of writing, the massive franchise starter Gods Not Dead is streaming for free on Tubi, the home of Super Bowl LIX!
In 2014, God’s Not Dead proved a box-office smash among white Evangelical cinephiles. If you’ve yet to partake in the Citizen Kane of fundamentalist polemics disguised as a movie, much less its sequels, prequels, and spin-offs, here’s a guide to the extended GNDCU:
God’s Not Dead: A professor demands his students sign an affidavit that God doesn’t exist, a standard procedure in straw man liberal colleges. With the help of Pastor Dave, one student’s dissension provokes the professor into revealing he, like all academics, is a disciple of Satan.
Holy Shit God Actually Is Dead: An atheist comedian challenges God to strike him dead on stage if He exists, and his opener – a Christian – drops dead of a heart attack. The rest of the comedians on the bill perform sets of medium quality.
Psych! God Was Just Faking: The Christian comedian revives after three days, delivering a standup set of afterlife-themed jokes so powerful the entire comedy community helps rebuild the nation’s bars into churches, which now feature gut-busting sermons and wacky announcements in the community bulletin.
God vs. Predator: A Christian group deep in the Amazon has their missionaries picked off by a member of the trophy-hunting alien species. The lead pastor traps the Predator and convinces him that the toughest hunter of all is a fella by the name of Jesus. The Predator joins the mission and uses his strength, agility, infrared vision, laser cannons, and ability to turn invisible to convert dozens of natives, dealing with those who refuse by ripping out their spines.
God Takes Manhattan: A musical takes Broadway by storm, presenting God as malicious, bumbling, and Black. As audience after audience leaves the faith, God has no choice but to sink Manhattan. For unrelated but justified reasons, He also makes the earth open up and swallow gentrified Brooklyn.
The Great Communion Wafer Bake-Off: A reality show in which competitors create tasty, decorated versions of the Body of Christ. Late in the season they’re joined by vintners who compete to make wine that truly captures the bouquet of Jesus’s blood, which had notes of chickpeas.
God Saves Christmas: Distressed at how much Christmas has become a secular holiday, God challenges Santa Claus to a boxing match. After a contentious fifteen rounds, God wins by split decision. He generously heals Rudolph’s diseased nose.
God’s Not Dead, But He Does Have a Hernia: Responding to an atheist asking whether God can create a rock so big that He Himself can’t lift it, God makes one, lifts it, and ruptures Himself. Though initially a surly patient, God sees His followers unite to lift the rock on His behalf. This gives Him the inspiration He needs to make a full recovery.
Godsferatu aka God’s Not Undead: “He let you drink His son’s blood. Now He’s coming for yours.” God turns into a vampire who’s repelled by the very cross He wears around His heavenly neck. He terrorizes the population, eventually revealing it all to be a ruse to win back the Halloween-loving crowd. He succeeds, and The Passion of the Christ becomes a midnight screening favorite because of its unmatched gore.
God’s Not Dead: First Flood Part 2: God’s angry and ready to flood the world again. Kirk Cameron (playing himself) builds an ark to save mankind – and finds most of the world’s humans and animals prefer dying rather than listen to the loudspeaker on the ark playing an endless loop of Show Me That Smile Again.
God’s Not Dead: You God Served: An atheist challenges God to a breakdancing competition. Since he has no corporeal form, God sends Jesus to Earth in his place, accidentally triggering the second coming. As the continents shatter, He wins first place by doing “the worm.”
50 Ways to Kill Your Savior: Fresh off his smash hit The Capeman, Paul Simon returns with his second musical, featuring the lyrics:
Put a hit on Yahweh, Ray
Poison El Shaddai, Ty
Shank Elohim, Vadim
Just listen to me
Snuff El Elyon, Ron
You won’t even be gone long
Pop the Great “I Am,” Sam
And get yourself free
God’s Not Dead: Oh God, Book 3: George Burns and John Denver somehow return in a comedic romp about God coming to Earth in human form. Upon seeing America in 2024, George actively encourages Denver to destroy mankind.
2 Good 2 Be 4 God-den: God, tired of ruling in Heaven, comes to Earth in human form to find a lover (Meg Ryan). During their budding romance, God finds out to his chagrin that He really IS dead… in the bedroom.
God’s Not Dead: For Adults Only: Pastor Dave and his wife celebrate their anniversary with ninety minutes of sanctified rutting.