Author: Cole Frye

We’ve all got that one friend who drained all $3,257 from their 401K because they thought it was finally time to become a Blues Legend. Sure, the money was enough to get them a stupid acoustic guitar, a rusty 1969 Buick Wildcat, and a sweet hat, but there’s no money left after that to buy any actual life experience. The only thing they have the blues about is being broke and they don’t even truly feel that because they’re rocking a sick-ass hat and you aren’t. You’re probably wondering how you can help them with their dream. It’s pretty simple.…

Thank you for calling CARE, the Compassion Assessment & Reporting Engine. Your call is important to us, sometimes. We look forward to reminding you that empathy is a made up word. CARE values your federally recognized humanity. Please listen closely. Our menu options have changed due to several sweeping executive actions. Remember, CARE will never ask for any sensitive, personally identifying information except your social media history, weight, height, race, religion, sexuality, gender, kinks, political ideology, favorite color, and views on gun ownership as mandated per Executive Order #2165508. Press 0 if you are experiencing a bleeding heart. Be advised that Civil Rights concerns are no…

Sorry for screaming again. I tried using my oven for the first time, and a million roaches came pouring out. I didn’t even get to cook my frozen pizza, and my date hid in the bathroom. I spent my last cash on that pizza and a 2-liter. Now I don’t have any cash for roach spray now. Do you have any roach spray? Do you think I could borrow your oven? I could maybe spare a little soda if you want it. I’m also sorry if you heard my date screaming. She hates roaches, too. She was almost chill, but…

Famine, War, and Death, the three horsemen of the apocalypse, would rather be working. Instead, they sit around and wait, just like they’ve been doing for hundreds of years. They’re also trying to backfill the position of the Fourth Horseman. Then, once a few seals get broken, they can do what they were created to do: Fuck. Shit. Up. There used to be four horsemen, but Conquest was relieved of all duties about 80 years ago. His dismissal was officially reported as a budgetary reduction in force, but everyone knows that’s just a cover-up. All the waiting around finally made old…