Thank you for calling CARE, the Compassion Assessment & Reporting Engine. Your call is important to us, sometimes. We look forward to reminding you that empathy is a made up word.
CARE values your federally recognized humanity. Please listen closely. Our menu options have changed due to several sweeping executive actions.
Remember, CARE will never ask for any sensitive, personally identifying information except your social media history, weight, height, race, religion, sexuality, gender, kinks, political ideology, favorite color, and views on gun ownership as mandated per Executive Order #2165508.
Press 0 if you are experiencing a bleeding heart. Be advised that Civil Rights concerns are no longer permitted and will be viewed as dissident behavior resulting in permanent inclusion on the domestic terrorist list.
Press 1 to vent to a tapeless answering machine.
Press 2 to reach a verbally abusive white nationalist. Be prepared to state the precise level of abuse you are requesting so they may scream some freedom into you.
Press 3 to file a retaliatory complaint against our white nationalist operators. As a gentle reminder, please note that your complaint will result in you being fined if you hurt their feelings.
Press 4 if you are facing a mental health crisis and would like to meet Jesus. We have several options for expediting the process.
Press 5 if you are distressed over the impending apocalypse. Please note that this option is currently disabled. Press 3 instead, moron.
Press 6 to donate crypto to a billionaire.
If you have any additional concerns, please stay on the line. Someone will be along shortly to pretend to listen.
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Once again, thank you for calling CARE. We value your silence!
This concludes your CARE call. Have a federally authorized existence, you unremarkable fuckface. This interaction has been recorded and will not be reviewed because we never really liked you anyway.