Author: Walt Braley
Walt Braley is an editor for the site you're reading right now. He took up comedy after being unmasked and forced to retire comically early in his luchador wrestling career.
Whatever happened to the good old days, when I could walk down the block and clear out a whole magazine stand for a few bucks. I used to have everything from Better Home & Garden to Weird Pets Monthly. These days, magazines are either gone, or ten dollars for one issue of some flimsy thing that has more pictures of Harrison Styles than it does high-quality, large-fonted writing! So here’s why I’m peeved off. If print media is really dead, then that means cutting up magazines to make ransom letters is dead too. Ever since this whole internet thing took…
I waited to write this because I thought this year might be different, but, of course, it wasn’t. I am not an imbecile. I know that Santa isn’t real. I figured it out when I was 14 like most kids do. But for some reason my parents refuse to drop the façade, and to make matters worse, they keep giving me coal every year. I am almost thirty and this has been going on for a decade. I keep telling them I know there isn’t a Santa and that they can drop the act but they won’t! Every single year…
Come on, why not try something different this year and actually read that book your dad/mom/uncle/cousin’s family gave you? You know, the one about American history/self-improvement/Bitcoin/grilling. Think about it, there are words here and you are using your eyes on them. That’s exactly how that gift book you got works, only there’s also paper, more refined writing talent, and a much less passive-aggressive tone. Think about how smart you could be if you just popped open that hardback book that is small and square for some reason. We both know if you put it on the shelf/counter/bedside table, it will…
Once again, let us say happy holidays, merry Christmas, and we’re sorry! We wanted to post a normal Christmas card today but our order got screwed up and another client got our text while we got their image. We didn’t know which one was more acceptable to use, so we’re just sharing both. Whatever.
There’s a lot going on right now, with holidays in full swing and George Santos doing an interview with Ziwe, but we can’t get distracted and forget that December 20th means it is once again officially Grinch season. The time of year when it is legal to kill the Grinch via any means. Tracking him to his snowy hideout and waiting at the door with a big mallet raised above your head is our pick this year, but don’t be scared to get creative! You can even get the kids involved. It’s never too early to teach them how to…
Jackson Parker, a Local legend in the coal town Markston, Indiana, found an epic life hack this year. By acting like a total asshole for the last twelve months, he’s practically guaranteed that Santa will bring him enough coal to earn him a nice paid vacation from the evil depths of the mines. “It wasn’t really intentional, It’s just my typical overall temperament.” Parker said when asked how he came up with his vacay earning scheme. However, his answer doesn’t have us convinced. I think the 45-year-old cave-dweller is just being humble. I talked to one his coworkers to get…
Guys, I didn’t buy a Cybertruck because it looks like what Robocop would drive. Could you imagine if I did that? No one can imagine it. No one. My wife would be so mad at me if she imagined that even a little. Good thing I didn’t do that. I bought the Cybertruck because it’s cool and efficient and, uh, it’s electric, I think? I DID NOT buy it because it looks like what cyborg Officer Alex James Murphy would patrol the streets of neo-futuristic Detroit in. No sir, that would be a very silly reason to spend $100,000 of…
My step brother Jason’s favorite video game added a new DLC today, allowing players to experience the wonderfully mediocre world of Mega Bloks. I’m not all that close to Jason, and often feel like we don’t have enough in common to make small talk at the holidays. We both play video games, but rarely do our interests align. He does seem to love Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds, though. He’s always telling me how he squad-wiped in a trios with only a Famas, and I’m always like, “damn, sounds cool, did you hear Sheryl refer to us both as ‘her boys’ earlier?…