“The Tooth, the Truth, and nothing but the Tooth Truth”
INFLATION BAD, BAD, BAD, but Delta Dental MADE MY TEETH CHATTER
announcing the AVERAGE under-the-pillow TOOTH FAIRY reward for baby
TEETH has gone OVER $5 (a LINCOLN instead of a WASHINGTON or two!)
nationally, after averaging $3.83 in 2013. WORSE, the little RICH squirt Billy in
Junior’s class told him he got a JACKSON. A JACKSON! TWENTY frigging
DOLLARS! (DUMB) You’d think his family used a silver spoon to RIP an
ELEPHANT TUSK OUT of Billy’s Pearly Whites. For a JACKSON, I might show
up at Billy’s father’s mansion ARMED TO THE TEETH and teach his old man an
econ lesson. Looking at the Big Picture, concerned American men need to SINK
THEIR TEETH into my TOOTH TRUTH movement. And don’t even get me
started about what fluoridated water (BAD) does to CHOPPERS. Beyond that and
the financial outlay, what’s up with the whole TOOTH FAIRY conspiracy? You
okay having your little MAN thinking Some FAIRY is visiting him IN BED in the
middle of the night? Not GOOD!!! Not for young boys CUTTING THEIR TEETH
in a society in which REAL MEN need to FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL for E-V-E-
R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Wouldn’t it be a KICK IN THE TEETH if you needed to PAY for
COVERSION THERAPY because of some LONG IN THE TOOTH custom,
probably brought to this country by IMMIGRANTS. This ain’t no SANTA
CLAUS or EASTER [not BAD] BUNNY, named to honor GOOD Christian
holydays. NO, paying homage to a TOOTH FAIRY truthfully mirrors the modern
UNMANLY movement’s awarding PARTIPATION TROPHIES to all, and in this
case the award-giver’s a pagan, girly CREATURE flitting about!!!! What 5–7-year-
old DOESN’T lose his BABY TEETH? We want to RAISE men who fight
TOOTH and CLAW for rewards for WINNING, not PARTICIPATING. Wake up!
Real men will be as RARE AS HEN’S TEETH if this DUMBNESS persists and
you don’t join me in BARING YOUR TEETH against such PARENTING
outrages!!!! Next, during POTTY TRAINING, we’ll reward kids by leaving first
TOILET DUMPS under their pillows to “”””EARN””” SOME TOOTHSOME
TREAT! And is it an accident that in HISPANIC countries instead of a TOOTH
FAIRY (not MACHO enough, I’ll give ‘em that), the reward-giver instead is
VERMIN, often called “Perez Mouse” but probably a RAT, like the drug
smugglers who leave Americans FED UP THE TEETH with anger, if not
Fentanyl? From other parts of the Third World, Middle Eastern and Oriental
immigrants have TOOTHING traditions in which they throw discarded baby
TEETH up (to ALLAH!!!) or up or down for Asians, depending on whether
they’re throwing upper or lower-shelf TEETH. Young boys should instead be
throwing baseballs or footballs or cornhole beanbags! Yes, before we’re leaving
FRANKLINS under pillows for spoiled kids to get money for nothing, we need to
BITE THE BULLET and stop this ridiculous, dumb practice. And that, MY
FRIENDS, is “the TOOTH, the Truth, and nothing but the TOOTH Truth.”
— BUCKY BUCKTOOTH
