Although dead, I, Midge McDongle, voted twice to pass the SaveAmerica Act.
If you can’t vote in November, you’re welcome.
An iron lung, IV pump, and feeding tube kept my sacred right to vote alive several minutes longer than I was.
Barron, my intrepid intern, glued my eyes open and pinned a bipartisan smile in place using toothpicks. A chorus of medical alarms announced my gurney’s arrival—marking the most dramatic chamber entrance since Dianne Feinstein.
When the time came to cast the tie vote, Barron yanked marionette wires from the gallery. But he crossed the strings and tilted my ‘yea’ into a Nazi salute. The ‘Siegs!’ and ‘Heils!’ wheezing from the detached iron lung were not helping matters.
The members to my left began chanting, ‘Rise up!’
My hospital gown obliged. The Majority Leader ruled my rigor mortis hard-on had risen to vote in favor.
Let history show no one was disenfranchised. The SaveAmerica Act tied on the vote of a dead senator and passed on the vote of an equally dead little prick.
To protect voting rights, Barron will run for my vacated seat using a fake ID. I’ve already arranged to vote for him from the grave.
Thanks to a family fortune and the SaveAmerica bill, Barron’s election is assured.
Provided the tattoo on his chest remains undiscovered.