You know his face, but you probably don’t know his name. For forty seven years, Uncle Herschel ubiquitously sat next to the barrel in the Cracker Barrel logo. Out of the restaurant industry for two weeks, Herschel wants to clear the air about his puzzling, temporary departure.
At his home in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, Hershel sits on his black leather couch wearing stylish blue jeans and a white button-up shirt. Sipping on a glass of sweet tea, the man who’s been at the center of a national controversy wants to address the rumors surrounding his tenure at Cracker Barrel. “The general public thinks they know why Cracker Barrel suddenly changed their logo,” Herschel says. “It wasn’t a marketing idea, a brand refresh, or anything remotely political. My own actions caused the change.”
Hershel breathes deeply and speaks softly. “I know there are many rumors floating around regarding my sudden exit from Cracker Barrel. My fans and the restaurant’s patrons are owed the truth. I will explain recent events as best I can.”
“I will start by clearing up some of the nasty and false rumors that have been making the rounds. First of all, my name is not on the so-called Diddy List,” Hershel explains. “Although Mr. Combs and I met briefly in the gift shop of a Cracker Barrel in Nashville, our meeting was completely by chance and included no illicit or untoward acts or conversations. We were simply complementing each other on our respective business accomplishments. Although we discussed some potential joint business ventures – he invited me to collaborate on a song and I invited him to submit his family recipe for chicken and dumplings – no further contact was made between us.”
After pausing for a drink of tea, Hershel continues, “Secondly, my name is not included anywhere in the so-called Epstein Files. I understand that there is video footage making the rounds on various cable news outlets that, to the untrained eye, might suggest that an extortion or bribery type of transaction took place. That could not be further from the truth.”
Wiping his brow with a handkerchief, Hershel says, “The footage in question is from November of 2005, and takes place in the parking lot of a Cracker Barrel on the southern outskirts of Atlanta. I did in fact have a brief, unplanned, random interaction with Mr. Epstein. He asked me if I had change for a twenty dollar bill, and I was able to fulfill the request by offering him a ten, a five, and five ones. Let me emphasize that at the time I had no knowledge whatsoever of who he was, and I reported that transaction to the IRS on my tax return that year.”
After pausing for more tea and wiping his brow again, Hershel speaks slowly. “Now, to address my recent separation from Cracker Barrel. Approximately fifteen months ago, I began to engage in an extramarital affair with the Chief Marketing Officer of Cracker Barrel, Julie Cornrow. While unfortunately violating our respective marriage vows, our relationship was completely consensual in nature.”
Methodically, he continues, “Addressing some recent video footage that has surfaced: Yes, Mrs. Cornrow and I were in attendance at the recent Coldplay concert in which former Astronomer CEO Andy Byron was shown in an allegedly compromising position with a fellow employee. Yes, Mrs. Cornrow and I can be seen seven rows in front of Mr. Byron and his companion. As the video shows, Mrs. Cornrow and I are standing next to each other and are not engaging in any physical contact whatsoever. I deeply regret my public display that night at the concert, as well as the multiple times Mrs. Cornrow and I engaged in sexual relations, both within the Cracker Barrel corporate office, and in approximately seventy-five Cracker Barrel locations throughout Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Florida.”
“To avoid further controversy, the Cracker Barrel corporation and I agreed to what was ultimately a two week separation because of my unfortunate life choices,” Hershel says. “I immediately apologized to my wife Gladys, as well as to the entire Cracker Barrel family across the country. In addition, I have recently completed an outpatient behavioral rehabilitation program. I have learned that my poor behavioral choices have far reaching consequences. I am, like any human being, a work in progress. While nobody is asking me to be a perfect Uncle Hershel, I will work tirelessly to become the best Uncle Hershel that I can be.”
Weeks passed, and Hershel began to field other employment opportunities. Suddenly, he received a call from the CEO of Cracker Barrel, Lloyd Tatum. “He was so moved by my apology, he said that in the spirit of forgiveness, we should give our professional relationship a second chance,” Hershel explained. “Lloyd said he thought of a hundred million reasons for us to work together again.”
“It turns out that I’ll now be working for two outstanding companies,” Hershel says. “I am so pleased and proud to announce that I am now the new spokesperson for American Eagle! My rugged, yet folksy persona is a perfect match for the fine folks at AE.”
Standing, Hershel explains, “As a matter of fact, I’m wearing some of their jeans now.” Turning around, he continues, “As you can see from the double barrel insignias on the back pockets, this is from their new Barrelcut Butt Collection.”
Bending over, Hershel explains, “And when the fabric stretches, you can see that an American flag appears inside each of the barrel emblems. This interactive fashion-centric patriotism is sure to be the next big consumer movement!”
Proudly, Hershel turns and raises his tea glass. “Here’s to American Eagle’s new marketing campaign: Uncle Hershel Has Great Barrels.”
