“The president emerged from the White House, followed by a phalanx of aides and Secret Service agents as he made his way to the church, where he posed stern-faced, holding up a Bible that his daughter pulled out of her $1,540 MaxMara bag.” – New York Times
On an average day working in the White House, Ivanka Trump never knows what to expect, and why would she? She’s never had a job like it before. So, she keeps her $1,540 MaxMara handbag stocked with everything she might need to represent the United States among world leaders despite having zero diplomatic qualifications. The favorite first daughter and busy “woman on the quid pro quo” gave our editor an exclusive peek at what’s in her bag.
Bible
“Like other great leaders throughout history, the president isn’t afraid to go out and walk among the people for a photo op in front of a church with a Bible, as long as the people have been cleared from the street with tear gas and flash grenades first. I carry the Bible for him, sometimes. Except when he’s reading it, which is not right now, earlier today, or ever.”
Emergency Bunker Snacks
“You never know when we’re going to need to inspect the bunker… again. I always keep a variety of emergency bunker snacks on hand like these delicious Goya beans.” #Sponsored
Concealer
“Whether I’m appearing on national television to gaslight the American public or exaggerate the sales numbers of a condo development to a group of investors, Le Fraudé Skin Caviar Concealer takes care of my fine lines so that I can walk a fine line. And then egregiously step over the line. As one of my favorite Chinese proverbs says, ‘There are no lines that can’t be erased if you have great wealth.’”
Signature Scent
“The one thing I can’t get into any situation room or G20 summit without is my signature scent, Nepotismé. It’s a strong, yet feminine formula made from essential oils and the right DNA. Daddy loves it!”
Crocodile Tear Eye Drops
“Ever since I had the empathy centers of my brain surgically removed, my eyes have been unable to make natural tears. So when I’m attempting to persuade an editor to kill a story about my family’s ‘alleged’ ties to the Iran Revolutionary Guard or Jared being a ‘slumlord’ for owning a few rat-infested buildings, I pop a few Crocodile Tear Eye Drops in, and I’m good to go!”
A Little Light Reading
“Whoops! This is classified. You have to have a top-secret security clearance, which I happen to have solely based on my own merit as a former businesswoman, model, and co-host of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, and definitely not because my father overruled security experts who were worried about compromising national security.”
14 Million Jobs
“People often ask me how I juggle taking care of three children, advising my Twitter-crazy father, and single-handedly creating fourteen million jobs for American workers, even though that was more than twice the number of jobs that were actually added to the economy. My secret? I always keep an extra supply of jobs in my purse. They sure aren’t easy to lug around, though!”
Bag of Plasma
“When I need an afternoon pick-me-up, one IV of blood plasma from a young person does the trick. Jared and I always make time to catch up and talk about the policies we’re working on and how they can financially benefit our empire during our daily infusions. They’re high in protein and full of antioxidants. Not to mention they’re great for bringing out the glow of our white complexions!”
Campaign Buttons
“I shouldn’t show people these button designs until I officially announce, but since they just fell onto the table in a strategic, choreographed way, I guess you got me! I’m running for president in 2024! I’ve spent nearly four years watching my father unite Americans who happen to belong to the radical alt-right with ‘racially charged’ rhetoric to divide our nation. It’s made me realize that someday, if women still have rights after the country descends into a theocracy, fully taking those rights away could be my job.”
