Author: Chris Brotzman

Great advertising, like all great artwork, is at its core about communication, about conveying a message from artist to viewer in hopes the viewer sees the world or themselves in a new way. And here at Data-Driven Digital Agency, we use the cloud, machine-learning AIs, and big data to find insights that make our communication more effective than any dumb, intuitive artist could ever hope to do. And to prove that, we’ve re-invented these old “masterpieces” to make them fit better in today’s digital age. The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali Though Dali was correct in stating that all…

I am a female lobster from the state of Maine. And as a female lobster, I am vehemently opposed to Supreme Court judicial nominee Brett Kavanaugh. It is widely known that he will likely vote to overturn Roe v. Wade and that he believes a sitting president cannot be indicted. He also went to private school, so you know his rich ass eats a ton of lobster. So again, screw Brett Kavanaugh. More to the point. Susan Collins, female Senator from Maine, plans to vote “yes” on Judge Kavanaugh. Why a female would do this to her fellow females is beyond…

Recently, there’s been a big hullaballoo on the internet because Tomi Lahren made a pathetic generalization about a left-leaning city in a feeble and cynical attempt at “owning the libs.” It’s understandable people assumed this tweet was completely fabricated. It’s easy to think someone so patently misinformed on almost every subject has never, in fact, traveled to San Francisco. However, I’d like to stick up for Tomi in this case. She didn’t make up this tweet in a hideously transparent attempt at stirring faux-outrage among her easily-duped, idiot-filled following. It was very, very real. She did see a man “snorting…

Hello, middle-class parents of young children! If you’re in search of the hottest summer fun, look no further. Now that Donald Trump’s EPA has overturned the forty-two year ban on asbestos, we got so excited we went out and built an entire amusement park out of it! It’s our pleasure to introduce: Mesotheliomaland! Come for the thrills, and leave with a cancerous layer of tissue eating away at your internal organs. Back in 1976, Republican Gerald Ford had his EPA use “science” to find some Fake News that asbestos is really bad for you. Like, really, really, really, really bad.…

Sure, there’s a whole media frenzy about these new 3D-printed guns. And yes, they are great and all. Perfectly fine for murder. You simply purchase a 3D printer, download a digital blueprint, and then make your very own undetectable-by-metal-detectors AR-15 assault weapon. And then you can shoot real bullets out of them and inflict mortal wounds on totally innocent strangers. Fun, right? But what if there was something even better? Guess what? Now there is. And this isn’t even sanctioned by the NRA yet, so you know it’s awful. Because with a 3D-printed gun, that’s all you get. A typical,…

Rinaldi and I were discussing bravery and war and bullfights and fly-fishing and the smell of death in the trenches when suddenly I had a hankering for a drink. A drink that would be good and cold and make the hot sun feel, well, not quite so hot. Yes, it was time for a drink. Did I mention it was well before noon? We walked across the village square to the town bar. Montoya greeted me as I entered the way all good Spaniards greet equally good America expatriates. He greeted Rinaldi not quite so good. We sat down to our…

That’s right, I said it. I’m going to burn down my Harley-Davidson in solidarity with Trump. You don’t like petty trade wars and random tariffs cutting in to your profitability? Gonna move jobs to another country to uphold the fiduciary responsibility to your shareholders? Well, then I’ve just got two words: charred remnants. Look, I’ve been a Harley guy long as I can remember. Got my first Harley leather vest before I could walk. My first bike was a hand-me-down from my dad, who taught me how to ride. Hell, I got the logo tattooed right here on my forearm. But what…

Hey there, Chris. It’s your liver here. I’m going to have to take today off. As I’m sure you can understand, this weekend was a wee bit much. I’m glad you had fun at Randall’s bachelor party, but Myrtle Beach isn’t exactly a vacation destination for a liver. My idea of relaxing doesn’t contain so much tequila and bargain-priced fried seafood. I’m absolutely exhausted – physically, mentally, and metabolically. I know we’ve got a ton of big projects ahead of us, so I wanted to give you a heads up. I wish I could muster the strength to come in and…

“Sorry not sorry” sunglasses from Dolce & Gabbana. “You’d think, being an immigrant, I’d have some empathy here” belt from Coach. “Even being a mother, I remain unconcerned about any of this” pumps from Jimmy Choo. “It may seem heartless, but remember you people elected him” silk blouse from Liz Claiborne. “It’s not my job to stop him and his increasingly evil and authoritarian tendencies” capri pants from Ralph Lauren “Maybe get out and vote this November” short sleeve belted dress from St. John’s Bay “Sure, apathy is complicity, but like, have you seen how rich I am? Do you…

I can see by my watch, without taking my hand off the ripped tatters of paper I’m collecting from the waste basket, that it’s 11:30 in the morning. The president had just woken up, looked at his daily briefing, screamed out a flurry of obscenities about Jake Tapper, then ripped the one-page document to shreds. I’m wondering what it’s going to be like this evening, especially if the president spent his afternoon reading Twitter instead of taking his nap. The news cycle generally determines how badly the documents get torn up. If the president has just watched Fox & Friends or gotten…