Put ‘er there, pal. Damn glad to meet you. You might recognize me from being a news host on television. And now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries and followed the age-old custom of shaking one another’s hand, it’s probably a good time to let you know something: I don’t believe that germs are a real thing and I haven’t washed my hands for ten years.
You’re probably wondering a few things at this moment. Like, how could a grown adult in the year 2019 not believe in plain, simple, very established science? Well, for starters it’s in my Fox News contract. You’re also probably wondering what that crusty feeling was on the palm and fingers when you shook my hand. It was 100 percent a decade’s worth of dried-up semen, so it’s probably best for you to just go ahead and come to terms with the evil you just touched.
I realize that believing in germs, from a scientific standpoint, and choosing to rinse my hands after masturbating aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, I even stated that the reason I don’t believe in germs is because I can’t see them. So what’s my excuse when it comes to the globs of ejaculate that come out of my penis upon orgasm? I don’t really have a good answer for you there. But hey, having any semblance of understanding how polite society works is for dweebs, am I right?
To be perfectly honest, the first few years were a bit weird – the caked-on procreation fluid creating a sort of layered film from my knuckles to my elbows. Sometimes when I’d get bored, I’d peel it off the way we’d peel off dried Elmer’s glue in second grade art class. But now I wear the second skin like a badge of honor – a badge of honor formed in the depths of my similarly unwashed scrotum.
It’s proof that I’m not beholden to any sort of libtard cleanliness standards. This pliable rind is more than just ten years of anger-cranking to climate change statistics. It’s a shrine to standing firm in the face of sanity.
So I repeat again: The name’s Pete Hegseth, and, yep, you guessed it, that was ten years of dried-up semen on the hand you just shook.
