Author: Chris Brotzman

Credit: Gage Skidmore “I think coronavirus will accelerate the return of jobs to North America.” – Wilbur Ross on Fox News First, let me start by saying that this rapidly mutating, antibiotic-immune strain of the bubonic plague is a global tragedy. Our hearts go out to all of those suffering, especially the ones choking to death on the pus-like fluid filling their lungs. That said, the re-emergence of this super virus will finally bring jobs back to where they belong: the 1350’s. For too long we have watched our jobs shipped into the future. The pressure of the global economy…

Part-time assistant golf pro Jimmy Denton carried pictures of his ex-girlfriend on his cellphone. He also carried a bump stock-fitted AR-15, 8.1 pounds fully loaded with its comically unnecessary sixty-round drum magazine. He wasn’t in the military and never risked his own life for the good of his country. But he liked pretending, so he carried the rapid-fire death machine anyway. He carried it past statues and monuments of other war veterans, people who’d actually served. He carried it up to the capitol where those “assholes” sat, voting on laws that might actually save lives. “Bunch of assholes,” Jimmy Denton called…

Good morning, everyone. You’ll notice construction crews in and around the office over the next few days. I wanted to apologize for the inconvenience up front. We’re installing these awesome new toilets that will increase your productivity by making it painful to sit down for more than a few minutes. I think you guys will love them! However, these efficiency toilets aren’t the only changes we’ll be making around the work space. We’ve got a bunch of updated features and benefits that will make this place a much better place to work. Or rather, they’ll help us get every possible…

Source: South Dakota Dept. of Social Services Hey there, Internet. I see you guys are all having a lot of fun at my expense. I see what you’ve been saying about me. That I’m uncreative, that I’m tone deaf, that I wasn’t worth the $450,000 of taxpayer money the state shelled out for such horrible work. Laugh it up, because no matter what you say about me, I fucking worked. Am I just one really unthoughtful pun packaged in piss-poor design that might have been art directed by a silverback gorilla who just learned Adobe Creative Suite? Sure. Do I…

1. It’s a bit spongey. 2. This is a big “No” for me. 3. Soft and moist, but way too many colors going on. 4. Did you add too many eggs? 5. It’s a bit too warm. 6. We’ll see what happens on this next attempt. 7. So you’re saying there’s fruit in there?!? 8. Now THAT’S a nice, thick, chocolate custard. 9. Oh my!?!  10. Well, I don’t hate it.  11. Relax! There’s supposed to be fruit in there!! 12. Why don’t you look away, and I’ll tell you how good or bad it is. 13. There is far too much…

Hey, fam! Sorry I haven’t posted in like, 300 years! Anyway, some incel (read: complete VIRGIN!) lit the Black Flame Candle and broke our curse! It’s great to be back in Salem, witches! #HocusPocus #WereGonnaPutaSpellOnYou #WhereAreAllTheDeliciousKids It’s Witch Trial Season, ladies! Check out this new line of Elizabethan-era dresses! (link in bio). The corset top will have your pumpkins ready for some tricks AND treats, and the flowing gown will hide your swollen legs after you’ve been unfairly hung by a torch-carrying mob! #ad #fashion #dresses #BadWitchAlert #WhereAreAllTheDeliciousKids OMG, I’m a cat-mom!!!! Everyone meet my new furbaby, Thackery! He’s cute,…

Yes, conventional wisdom would say that, because I was born forty-two years ago, I am forty-two years old. But I once heard age is a state of mind. And my state of mind just so happens to be hip as fuck. My state of mind is still in its thirties. My state of mind does not take blood pressure medication or play the Sudoku app on its iPhone during its morning poop. My state of mind does not wear a jacket and tie to his job as an insurance adjuster. My state of mind isn’t worried about that weird mole…

Mitch McConnell vowing to never allow a vote on any gun legislation while simultaneously shitting his lunch soup into an already soiled diaper. Broadcasting live from the last square acre of dry land on earth, the cast of Fox & Friends touts Trump’s deregulation of the oil and gas industry. Jerry Falwell Jr. screaming about “Christian family values,” having just jizzed into the glory hole of a truck stop bathroom. Mike Huckabee drinking the blood of a dog his son recently slaughtered while ranting unintelligibly about “civility.” Donald Trump tweeting that Ted Cruz doesn’t have a penis and Ted Cruz…

Hey there, white male suburban consumer. We know you’re a white male suburbanite because this ad is on Facebook and that’s the ony demographic on this site. You’ve heard of grass-fed beef, right? Of course you have. You’re an upper-middle-class white person! You cooked grass-fed filet mignon on your Big Green Egg when you had the Kleins over last Sunday to gripe about the new “urban” members at the country club.  But we digress. Forget we ever even mentioned grass-fed beef. Then, forget everything you ever thought you knew about lawn care. And then, somehow, try to imagine a whole…

Credit: Gage Skidmore National Rifle Association Television passed away on Tuesday, June 25, 2019. A hateful right-wing propaganda outlet, NRATV couldn’t have possibly died soon enough. However, it’s short-lived-but-insidious existence did manage to spread conspiracy theories about “crisis actors” and perpetuate the widely disproven GOP myth that the “only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” NRATV leaves behind a very small (but very fervent) viewership of bigots, bump-stock enthusiasts, potential mass shooters, incels, and most of the Florida Panhandle. While it didn’t leave a last will and testament, it can…