My fellow Ameicans,
I know we are in the midst of very uncertain and challenging times. There are over forty million people unemployed and over 5.4 million have lost their health insurance in the middle of a still-raging pandemic. And as the First Daughter of the United States, I stand here, telling each and every one of you… to get the fuck over it.
Yes, today, we are proud to launch the #GetTheFuckOverIt campaign to help all of the Americans who are out of work and/or sick to, well, basically, I don’t know, not be so bitter about it? Maybe try having a celebrity father?
Our #GetTheFuckOverIt initiative uses a three-pronged approach to get people who are wondering how they’ll afford their next rent payment to stop being such whiny bitches already. Maybe your family’s well-being shouldn’t have been so dependent on the airline industry.
First, using the dulcet tones and rehearsed faux-concern in my voice, I’ll simply remind each and every anxious American that getting the fuck over it is much easier if you don’t think about the fact that I’ve never, not once, in my life, had to be qualified for any job I’ve ever “had” and that, literally, everything has been handed to me from the moment I was born up until the moment I somehow became a Senior Advisor in the White House.
Yes, my father’s incompetence is directly responsible for you getting laid off, but you must remember, that anger won’t get you your job back. So I urge you all to pick yourself up by your knock-off designer bootstraps and #GetTheFuckOverIt.
The second approach in our three-pronged system is this: Monster.com? Craigslist? A how-to-be-a-butler Masterclass? I don’t know. I’ve never applied for a job. Honestly, the most compassion I can offer you is a shoulder shrug!
Lastly, and most importantly, our #GetTheFuckOverIt campaign will be sending every out-of-work American this tiny, commemorative violin to remind that we really don’t care about you, that the cruelty really is the point, and your pissing and moaning about you being sick and hungry is getting pretty obnoxious at this point. That said, if you tweet out a picture of your violin to the hashtag #GetTheFuckOverIt you’ll be entered in a sweepstakes to finally re-enter the workforce as Jared’s and my new butler. Our last one got smudges on some expensive stemware and I fed him to our Komodo dragon, Stevie (yes, after Steve Bannon).
So that is our pledge to you, America. I know that times are tough. And because of my pervy, racist, idiot father, they are only getting worse, and anything you say will fall on deaf ears because we really don’t give a shit about you.
And so from each of us in the White House, from the bottom of our heartless chests, we all say #GetTheFuckOverIt.
