ATTORNEY GENERAL DAVID BLAINE: Mr. President, distinguished guests, people of the United States of America– good morning.
First, I’d like to apologize for being woefully underdressed. I received notification that this would be occurring about six hours ago, and was barely able to get to DC in time, let alone get fitted for a suit. I may be able to hold my breath for 17 minutes, but not even I can get an appointment at Paolo Martorano in less than 24 hours! [uncomfortable laughter]
Um. Okay. I’m sure a lot of you are wondering why I, David Blaine, Street Magician, am standing before you at this podium instead of Todd Blanche, who was just sworn in as AG like, five weeks ago. To be perfectly frank, I am just as confused as you. You’re probably thinking, is this man even qualified? And the answer to that question is no. No, I am not qualified, a fact I told the President at 3am this morning when he called me and offered me the position.
“Mr. President,” I said, still half asleep and wondering if it was a strange dream, “I think you have the wrong number.”
But he said no, he absolutely meant to call me, after he realized I was unquestionably suited to be the chief legal officer for the US government.
“How so?” I asked. “I didn’t go to college, let alone law school.”
I can’t be sure, but I swear I heard JD Vance in the background say “told you so,” and then the sound of a rolled-up newspaper hitting someone’s forehead.
The President then said he had just finished watching every clip of me on YouTube, and that my skillset would be highly useful in the Department of Justice. He said he’d been especially amazed at my performance at Harrison Ford’s house, where I made the card he was thinking of show up in the center of an orange. The president said he laughed so hard when Harrison told me to “get the fuck out” of his house that he had to call JD over to help him get changed.
I told President Trump I didn’t understand how that applied to being the Attorney General of the United States, and he responded that he too had something he’d like to make disappear, and then asked if I could do the same trick with say, six million or so cards? I said I’d never made that many things vanish, but I could try, if it was for the benefit of the public, and he said, “uh huh, yeah. Sure.”
Ladies and gentlemen, friends, family, American people, I want to make it clear that I tried – truly, I tried – to turn down this nomination. I don’t want it, I’m not qualified for it, and I sure as hell don’t have time for it, what with the filming of the second season of David Blaine: Do Not Attempt, my documentary series for Discovery+. But the President was firm, and said if I was good enough for U.S. Marshal Samuel Gerard, then it was good enough for him. I said, “that was Tommy Lee Jones, not Harrison Ford, Mr. President–– “
But he had already hung up.
So.
I’ll do my best, I guess.