Greetings everyone.
Quick reminder: we have our entire office getting painted this week. I kindly ask that all long, collapsible tables and chairs MUST be stored next door on the arena floor beneath the wrestling ring. You have my word: they will come back to you untouched, not broken or scratched. I didn’t check with the arena folks, but I am sure everything will be safe, even though they are busy with an event called Intercontinental Wrestling SlamFest.
PLEASE GET IT DONE TODAY. I don’t care if they are put under the ring any which way by us, and are also easily accessible to both the audience and a wrestler looking for quick vengeance. I PROMISE no one will touch them.
This morning, I walked down the office hallway to take a meeting in Huddle Pod 3, and I saw, no lie, fifteen collapsible tables, ten steel chairs, and several tall ladders that I know all of you can take ten minutes to walk across the street and slide gently underneath the ring. You will, without a doubt in my mind, be able to bring everything back next week in the same condition, having not even been LOOKED at by a person in that thirty thousand-seat arena there to see a tag team match of Smasher and Crasher versus Breaker and Thrower.
You have all come to me, concerned that everything could get lost in the shuffle of the office painting and the fan event during SlamFest called “Help Out Your Favorite Wrestler,” where anyone attending can bring a ladder and chair to give to a wrestler. I DO want you to get your stuff back safe and sound. Therefore, I urge you to store the tables, chairs, and ladders ASAP, out of the way underneath the wrestling ring, so we know whose is whose. Label the tables, chairs, and ladders under the ring with stickers from your favorite brands, such as Celsius or Slim Jim.
On a similar note, Brice, it’s been a couple of months since April Fool’s, let’s walk that vat of fake blood you keep in your office, next door. Rest easy, Brice. Nobody is going to use that fake blood if it’s conveniently placed under the wrestling ring.
Several of you have asked me why the ring is next door rather than our large, unused janitor’s closet. The simple answer is that the janitor closet is reserved for janitorial supplies, as the name suggests, and NOT…
– Collapsible long tables, none of us can ever get to fold without jumping on with two feet using our full body weight, but a super strong, swole dude or lady could jump on and collapse like an Amazon box ready for recycling.
-Steel chairs that are uncomfortable to sit on, but would hurt if you used them to hit someone.
-Large ladders that seem to be only useful if you were, say, an athletic, muscular person and wanted to jump from a tremendous height to land on another athletic, muscular person.
While we are on the subject, can we break down the steel cage sitting in the cafeteria? I asked that it be put away two weeks ago, during our team-building event with the petting zoo.
Again, on my way to Huddle Pod 3 for a call, I had to climb over the cage to get to the room and then DO THE SAME CLIMB again to get back to my desk. Let’s get that over into the arena and just leave it there. The cage might be too big to leave on the arena floor, so let’s just hang it discreetly over the wrestling ring and make it easy to lower it at a moment’s notice if we want it back for another petting zoo visit. The last thing we need is the cage being a pain in the ass to navigate during SlamFest, unless a group of athletic, well-trained performers somehow jumps on it to swing around and climb to the top to claim a trophy or prize of some sort.
I’m letting my imagination get the best of me, but if we work together, we will get everything back we leave in the arena during SlamFest in pristine condition.
Lastly, I know we were using the two-by-fours and barbed wire to create more cubicle flex spaces to get work done in the bullpen, but NO ONE has used any of the barbed-wire cubes in a month.
Let’s take them apart, make sure that the barbed wire is wrapped around each two-by-four so it looks like an improvised weapon that could be used to brutally beat an opponent and draw a ton of blood. I want them stored neatly underneath the wrestling announcer’s table.
On a side note, the steel briefcases we ordered for everyone as an end-of-year gift will be arriving today. They will be stacked in the arena green room, where the wrestlers are interviewed before the match, and behind the curtain, where a wrestler usually hides before surprising and sucker punching his opponent during said interview. I assure you, they will be left alone. I was on the high school wrestling team, and we never used anything extra in a match. It was just man on man, just like every match that will happen during Intercontinental Wrestling SlamFest: Grab Anything You Can Get Your Hands On To Fight 2026.
Lastly, Donald, your old-time trash can and lid are sitting in Huddle Pod 3. Put it in your car, throw them out, or lay them in the aisle the wrestlers use to walk to the ring.
If you need me, text is best. I will be out of the office today, bringing the boxes, big enough to fit a human adult, that we don’t want cut in half, to be stored downtown in a magic theater.
Best,
Jeff
Sr. Office Manager
DataRange Inc.