Season’s greetings and happy holidays from our family to yours! And by “yours,” we mean a family that’s less wealthy and far less attractive.
As the family from a luxury car brand’s holiday commercial, it’s our job each year to remind you of all the things you desperately yearn for, but will ultimately fail to achieve. We are the filmic manifestations of all your inadequacies. Are you a good parent? Are you a good lover to your partner? Do you make enough money to be considered well-to-do by your peers? When the weather outside is frightful, nothing makes our hearts more delightful than reminding you that the answer to all of these questions is “no.”
Fix your gaze upon our gorgeous family, so filled with glee and cheer. The house fully decorated. Chestnuts roasting by the lavishly gilded fireplace. Mountains of presents sit under a tree that could never fit in your living room. I, Jaqueline, a stunning housewife, far too in shape for my age, pull a perfectly-cooked rib roast out of the oven as my husband, Perry, gives me a kiss on the back of my bejeweled neck. Should I mention that Perry is taller than your husband? He also has a massive penis, which perfectly complements his 6’4” frame and high-powered corporate job. Don’t worry. Your 5’8” husband isn’t that short. You know, for a short person.
Gasp! And would you look at that!? Perry got us four brand-new Lexus SUVs for Christmas… again. And tied an absurdly large red bow to each one… again! And parked them in the circular driveway of our picturesque mountain chalet…. AGAIN! Oh Perry, you shouldn’t have! (Haha, just kidding, of course he should have. We’re rich!!!) Anyway, I’m sure whatever you got for your family is… fine.
And please, don’t hesitate to admire our children. Everyone does! Lucas is half-white, half-black, and Sally is Sri Lankan, despite Perry and I having zero Sri Lankan ancestry. Each one of them is an ethnically ambiguous cherub with a glowing spirit your Kirkland-brand offspring have never once displayed! Watch how perfectly behaved Lucas is as he quietly constructs a gingerbread house with Grandma. And admire Sally’s talent as she sits next to the hearth playing a Bach cantata on her cello. I’m sure there was a time, long ago, when your teenage son was as precocious and loving as these two angels. But now he just wants to go to his room and masturbate.
This year, our family is extremely thankful for so many things. Being tall, good-looking, and rich are just a few of them. We’re also thankful for the opportunity to make your mundane, suburban life feel just as shitty as ever. We wish you a merry Christmas. It’s just too bad wishes can’t buy a Lexus.
Also, you might want to have a talk with your son. He hasn’t left his room since yesterday.
Merry Happy,
The Joneses!!!
