A Plan to Reduce Government Waste, via High Colonic

Dear President Trump,

I voted for you because we both believe that chaos, not order, is the best way to move forward in any situation. The rule of law, the norms of polite society, and the laws of physics cannot restrain such as we! May your reign last a thousand years, Your Majesty!

I’m sure you’ve heard the joke about the big boned fellow who, when he passed, posed a real puzzler for the undertaker, because he couldn’t make a coffin big enough for him. He solved the problem by giving the corpse in question an enema and burying it in a shoebox.

Now, I know that you, too, are a big boned fellow, though you are obviously not as full of feces as the individual in the hoary joke above. Still, I have myself used high colonics as a weight loss measure from time to time—they help me flush up to fifteen pounds of extra weight from my body. It really helps me “loosen my load,” as the song says.

I know that your coffers are not overflowing, because you selflessly donate your salary as president to charity. I’ve thought of another revenue stream for your selfless giving. We’re just brainstorming here, but your weight, according to the NYPD, is 240 pounds; hypothetically, a weekly regimen of high colonics could remove up to 225 pounds of the cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and steak which is currently coating your intestinal tract. While an aggressive enemal weight loss scheme would reduce the force of entropy on your magnificent living spaces, I have a more aggressive plan to reduce waste.

Because you are the Smartest Man Who Ever Lived, you have probably anticipated my plan. I’m thinking about the energy consumed by Air Force One as it conveys you to and fro your Very Important Meetings with other leaders, princes, and potentates. The Boeing VC-25A which most often carries you holds 416 seats and gets 89 miles per gallon per seat. Let us say that each seat represents 4,547 pounds of the 1,891,552 pound plane. If you were to reduce the weight of your body by 225 pounds, that would decrease your seat weight by that amount, resulting in a savings of four gallons per mile. Air distance from Joint Base Andrews to the airport closest to Mar-a-Lago is 859 miles. 859 miles X four gallons equals 3456 gallons of jet air fuel JP-8, which costs $4.15 per gallon—which means that reducing your weight via the methods I outline would save taxpayers $ 14,342.40 per trip, one way. This may seem a pittance, but since you fly from DC to MAL several times a week—let’s say 4.5 trips—that’s a total savings of $ 64,540.80 per week—or $3,356,121.60 you could donate to your favorite charity per year! And that doesn’t take into effect all of the other trips you take in your efforts to spread democracy around the globe!

Of course, the second law of thermodynamics needs to be taken into consideration—there really is no such thing as a free lunch. We still need to calculate the cost of removal and storage of the fecal matter removed from your colon—no pauper’s grave will do for your majestic turds, no sir! but the cost of your weekly enemas, and the storage facility, can be passed on to the taxpayers at—spitballing here—$.0000003 per taxpayer per year.

I’ll leave it to the experts at Walter Reed to figure out the best way to implement this idea. I hope my frank discussion of these matters doesn’t deter you from your MAGA agenda, because America deserves a full time president, one whose mind is not bogged down by the weight of yesterday’s repast.

Curiously,

Hermester Barrington

The hobgoblin of a little mind may be the genius of a great one.

Cc: