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    EVERY LEGAL CHARGE BY HIS MAJESTY’S GOVERNMENT AGAINST “THE ANDREW FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE”

    John HerrBy John HerrMay 4, 2026No Comments2 Mins Read
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    CHARGED: Suspect allegedly told NAME REDACTED that she didn’t need experience to turn him out. Suspect further advised her to act her age, not her shoe size. When informed that her age was her shoe size, he persisted in asking for her extra time and her kiss.

    CHARGED: Suspect was busy doing something close to nothing but different than the day before when he allegedly spotted UNNAMED FEMALE wearing a raspberry beret. He offered to have his friend, “Jeffrey,” fly her to an island where it was warm and she wouldn’t have to wear much more.

    CHARGED: Suspect gave NAMES REDACTED “diamonds and pearls,” expecting that the gifts would make them a “happy boy or a girl.” When that didn’t work he took them for a ride in a little red Corvette, according to eyewitnesses.

    CHARGED: Suspect allegedly accompanied NAME REDACTED to the royal gardens at Buckingham Palace where they took in an ocean of violets in bloom and spotted animals striking curious poses (they turned out to be the Queen’s Corgis). Suspect then apologized for being “too bold” and asked the female why she was “never satisfied.” He further advised her “not to make me chase her.”

    CHARGED: Suspect accompanied several minors to a New Year’s Eve party at Washington D.C. on Dec. 31, 1998, hosted by UNINDICTED CO-CONSPIRATOR. He told them they were going to “party like it’s 1999,” which they did, literally. Several jokes were made about an “Oval Office.” Suspect was placed at the scene by testimony from a medical doctor playing keyboards.

    CHARGED: Suspect allegedly told NAME REDACTED to do her dance, adding, “Why should you wait any longer?” When the victim told him she would be late for high school band practice, the suspect said, “You got the horn, so why don’t you blow it?”

    CHARGED: Suspect allegedly engaged in conversation with FEMALE VICTIM. Suspect attempted to confuse her by saying he wasn’t a woman or a man, but rather “something that you’ll never understand.” Psychotropic drugs may have been involved.

    Prince Andrew royal family
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    John Herr

    John Herr is a writer and standup comic. He has written jokes for numerous politicians, including a President. He currently lives in Harrisburg PA. Insta: @herricanecomedy

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