Deep Purple Bruise (Bring Your Own) Air Supply The Hip Replacements The Fifth Dementia Grand Pa Railroad The Fall Risk The No Cure Steely Hypodermic Needle UB70 The Rolling Stones (duh)
Author: John Herr
John Herr
John Herr is a writer and standup comic. He has written jokes for numerous politicians, including a President. He currently lives in Harrisburg PA. Insta: @herricanecomedy
Earlier this month some MAGA bonehead unfurled a banner at a baseball game that read “100+ million deportations.” The White House is trying to ban universal birthright citizenship. President Trump has said he only wants immigrants who can prove they love America. Stop. Where are we going with this? Do we realize the ramifications? Do we want every business in America to turn into Chick-fil-A — pious, patriotic and closed on Sundays? Do we want a land of inconvenience stores from sea to shining sea? Judeo-Christian principles and America First attitudes are Yankee Doodle dandy. But I want to be…
The elites said it couldn’t be done. The pundits scoffed. They cried out, “He won’t do it! The forces arrayed against him are too great.” But that just made him look inward. To find the strength even he didn’t know he had. So he picked up his iPhone. Gold. Clear case. And he started typing. Yes! He could write one of those breathless overly dramatic Facebook posts that tell the reader absolutely nothing. Yes! He would pretend that the world was aligned against him so his stupid thoughts would sound profound. Yes! He’d compare himself to the great longwinded heroes…
12. HelloWork 11. GoodMorningPackaging 10. All-Gorithm-You-Can-Eat 9. The First Of 12,000 Emails From Us 8. Your Cat Will Play With The Boxes 7. We Own You Now Sucker 6. Our “Exotic” Spices Are From Connecticut 5. Tiny Little Bottles Of Vinegar In Your Fridge Forever 4. You Wish You Could Quit Us 3. And You Thought Giant Was Expensive! 2. Food Allergies 4 Ever 1. All This Plastic Will Be In The Ocean Someday
As America ages, many will leave the home where they raised their kids for a place where a kid is paid to raise you (into your wheelchair so you don’t miss the opening credits of Matlock). Yes, nothing is certain but death, taxes and senior living. Beware: sometimes a peaceful, pastoral name can cover up a den of uncaring quacks and battle axes. But not this time! These names were a dead (sorry) giveaway. 10. The COVID Arms9. Shady Nurses8. Palliative Palace7. Hospice-Tality!6. Arrest Haven5. Golf Carts & Goiters4. Ungrateful Daughter’s Dumping Ground3. Blown Inheritance Inn2. Wounded Knee Replacement Joint1. Trump Triage Towers
CHARGED: Suspect allegedly told NAME REDACTED that she didn’t need experience to turn him out. Suspect further advised her to act her age, not her shoe size. When informed that her age was her shoe size, he persisted in asking for her extra time and her kiss. CHARGED: Suspect was busy doing something close to nothing but different than the day before when he allegedly spotted UNNAMED FEMALE wearing a raspberry beret. He offered to have his friend, “Jeffrey,” fly her to an island where it was warm and she wouldn’t have to wear much more. CHARGED: Suspect gave NAMES…
Now that’s going too far. After weeks of chaos and shootings in Minneapolis, a U.S. Marshal in Memphis finally did the unthinkable: he kicked a toy schnauzer while making an arrest, breaking its ribs and earning a lifetime ban from the Puppy Bowl. This begs (pun) the question: how do canines deal with the dog days? When their only bone is busted, what do they do to cope? That’s where we humans come in. It’s time to give man’s best friend a good old-fashioned country song. Music hath charms. And who better to sing a sad song than the “good…
The infighting on the MAGA right has not stopped; to the contrary, it’s only gotten more heated. Tucker Carlson especially has attracted fire for his uncompromising stance on Israel and Jewish “neo-conservatives.” (He doesn’t like them.) But Tucker shows no signs of backing down! In fact, one look at his upcoming podcast docket will tell you all you need to know. 10. The Misunderstood Gourmet: Jeffrey Dahmer’s Good Eats 9. Solving Overpopulation: Heroic Pol Pot 8. Our Friend in Moscow: Joseph “Teddy Bear” Stalin 7. He Never Met Those Women: Defending Jack the Ripper 6. Just Doing Her Job: The War…
It’s summertime, which means more bombings over Iran, duh, but also visits to American amusement parks! The beating heart of the kiddie industrial-entertainment complex is of course Disney, which has been sticking its pirate hook into our wallets and purses for over a century. Of course, Disney has to update their parks from time to time — I mean, the “WEDWAY People-Mover” is just an airport moving walkway, been there, done that. So it’s time to hit the WaltBack Machine and take a look at the old attractions and rides that Disney had to eliminate over the years.
We copied and pasted this directly from Truth Social since so many of our readers check here for their news instead of there. TheRealDonaldJTrump The FAKE NEWS LIBERAL LEGACY MEDIA will tell you our SUMMIT in THE GULF OF PALIN USA was not a success. They are JEALOUS that we were able to get VLADIMIR PUTIN to spend a day on a DEADLIEST CATCH BOAT where we caged UKRAINIANS with the crabs and dunked them in the FRIGID OCEAN! FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!!! (Talk about ICE! SHOUT OUT KRISTI KREME NOEM!) Putin and I came to an AGREEMENT that the…