It’s been two decades since “The Apprentice” was a ratings monster. And it’s 2 1/2 years until we need to find new employment for the monster who hosted it. Time flies, nation, and Donald Trump will be an ex-president before you know it. But the world of reality TV will always welcome him back with open arms (or a restraining order). Extreme Makeover: Orange is the New White History Channel’s “Riot or Insurrection” Locked Up A Broad: “You’ll Never Take My Five Million Dollars!” Hoarders: Buried Alive in Gold Knick Knacks My 350-Lb. Life Survivor: Head of DHS Naked and Afraid:…
Author: John Herr
John Herr
John Herr is a writer and standup comic. He has written jokes for numerous politicians, including a President. He currently lives in Harrisburg PA. Insta: @herricanecomedy
Want to get the election results you’re looking for in November? Republicans, just change the official title of your state’s Secretary of State to Independent Commissioner of Elections. Then all you have to do is hang giant “ICE” signs at every polling place. You’ll get the voter demographic you need, trust me. And Democrats, remember that most polling places are in public schools and libraries. Just double-book each venue with Drag Queen Story Hour. And have a red carpet photo op leading to every entrance. Mr. MAGA voter, meet “Polly Darton”! Do I have to think of everything?
Deep Purple Bruise (Bring Your Own) Air Supply The Hip Replacements The Fifth Dementia Grand Pa Railroad The Fall Risk The No Cure Steely Hypodermic Needle UB70 The Rolling Stones (duh) Deaf Leppard Hall and Oat Bran
Earlier this month some MAGA bonehead unfurled a banner at a baseball game that read “100+ million deportations.” The White House is trying to ban universal birthright citizenship. President Trump has said he only wants immigrants who can prove they love America. Stop. Where are we going with this? Do we realize the ramifications? Do we want every business in America to turn into Chick-fil-A — pious, patriotic and closed on Sundays? Do we want a land of inconvenience stores from sea to shining sea? Judeo-Christian principles and America First attitudes are Yankee Doodle dandy. But I want to be…
The elites said it couldn’t be done. The pundits scoffed. They cried out, “He won’t do it! The forces arrayed against him are too great.” But that just made him look inward. To find the strength even he didn’t know he had. So he picked up his iPhone. Gold. Clear case. And he started typing. Yes! He could write one of those breathless overly dramatic Facebook posts that tell the reader absolutely nothing. Yes! He would pretend that the world was aligned against him so his stupid thoughts would sound profound. Yes! He’d compare himself to the great longwinded heroes…
12. HelloWork 11. GoodMorningPackaging 10. All-Gorithm-You-Can-Eat 9. The First Of 12,000 Emails From Us 8. Your Cat Will Play With The Boxes 7. We Own You Now Sucker 6. Our “Exotic” Spices Are From Connecticut 5. Tiny Little Bottles Of Vinegar In Your Fridge Forever 4. You Wish You Could Quit Us 3. And You Thought Giant Was Expensive! 2. Food Allergies 4 Ever 1. All This Plastic Will Be In The Ocean Someday
As America ages, many will leave the home where they raised their kids for a place where a kid is paid to raise you (into your wheelchair so you don’t miss the opening credits of Matlock). Yes, nothing is certain but death, taxes and senior living. Beware: sometimes a peaceful, pastoral name can cover up a den of uncaring quacks and battle axes. But not this time! These names were a dead (sorry) giveaway. 10. The COVID Arms9. Shady Nurses8. Palliative Palace7. Hospice-Tality!6. Arrest Haven5. Golf Carts & Goiters4. Ungrateful Daughter’s Dumping Ground3. Blown Inheritance Inn2. Wounded Knee Replacement Joint1. Trump Triage Towers
CHARGED: Suspect allegedly told NAME REDACTED that she didn’t need experience to turn him out. Suspect further advised her to act her age, not her shoe size. When informed that her age was her shoe size, he persisted in asking for her extra time and her kiss. CHARGED: Suspect was busy doing something close to nothing but different than the day before when he allegedly spotted UNNAMED FEMALE wearing a raspberry beret. He offered to have his friend, “Jeffrey,” fly her to an island where it was warm and she wouldn’t have to wear much more. CHARGED: Suspect gave NAMES…
Now that’s going too far. After weeks of chaos and shootings in Minneapolis, a U.S. Marshal in Memphis finally did the unthinkable: he kicked a toy schnauzer while making an arrest, breaking its ribs and earning a lifetime ban from the Puppy Bowl. This begs (pun) the question: how do canines deal with the dog days? When their only bone is busted, what do they do to cope? That’s where we humans come in. It’s time to give man’s best friend a good old-fashioned country song. Music hath charms. And who better to sing a sad song than the “good…
The infighting on the MAGA right has not stopped; to the contrary, it’s only gotten more heated. Tucker Carlson especially has attracted fire for his uncompromising stance on Israel and Jewish “neo-conservatives.” (He doesn’t like them.) But Tucker shows no signs of backing down! In fact, one look at his upcoming podcast docket will tell you all you need to know. 10. The Misunderstood Gourmet: Jeffrey Dahmer’s Good Eats 9. Solving Overpopulation: Heroic Pol Pot 8. Our Friend in Moscow: Joseph “Teddy Bear” Stalin 7. He Never Met Those Women: Defending Jack the Ripper 6. Just Doing Her Job: The War…