Quentin Tarantino
Very Violent. Riffed for thirty minutes on how hard it would be to get blood and brains out of Wookie hair. Wanted the opening crawl brought back but written on Emilia Clarke’s feet. Had Lando say the n-word. A lot.
Duplass Brothers
Budget-friendly. They claimed they could film the whole thing at a cabin in a weekend. With Alden already having trouble getting Han’s voice right, adding mumblecore on top of that seemed like too much work for his acting coach. Hasbro rep balked at there being no possible toys.
Christopher Nolan
Extremely tight and smart pitch no one quite understood afterward, but all agreed was wonderful. Added Michael Caine as a Jedi.
Samuel L. Jackson
Admitted not actually wanting to direct but gave fifteen pitches on why Mace Windu could still be alive. Recorded the outgoing voice message on everyone’s voicemail.
Werner Herzog
Was attracted to the project due to the irony of creating art that would exist after we were all dust being set in “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Part of a great cosmic joke that the audience would not understand in the moment but would feel a shadow fall on their soul and they would know that something is amiss. Side note: Huge fan of Porgs.
Eli Roth
Had to be informed that while there was “implied cannibalism” with the Ewoks, having Chewbacca eat Woody Harrelson in a long-take homage to the pie scene in A Ghost Story was excessive. Hard pass.
Wes Anderson
Highly detailed. Pitch went three hours and he left everyone with a 327-page mood book that included wallpaper samples for inside the Millennium Falcon and a variety of felt hats for Emilia Clarke. Wanted all the droids to be stop-motion and asked to add a dog that could die.
George Lucas
Re-conceptualized Solo as the fourth part of a septology with the first three movies focusing on senatorial tariff debates and mining operations of the materials to build the Falcon.
Guillermo Del Toro
Had Han crash into an Imperial monster prison where he meets Chewbacca. They learn to trust each other and fall in love during their escape. Included a Mike Mignola sketch of how a Wookie penis would retract. Doug Jones stood silently behind him the whole time for seemingly no reason.
Spike Lee
Asked to rename the movie Lando and just focus on Donald Glover (best idea in the room). But he demanded it be set in Brooklyn and envisioned Chewie as motion capture played by a fast-talking Michael Rapaport.
Edgar Wright
Wildly entertaining and funny pitch with new ideas. Decided to run it by Peyton Reed to see what he could do with it.
Zack Snyder
Wanted to shave and oil Chewie to show his abs. Han and Lando have a falling out, but in the third act, they discover both of their mothers are named M’rtha and they team up to defeat Darth Whedon. Insisted on having final cut.
Patty Jenkins
Too busy with Wonder Woman 2. Oh, well. We tried for a woman, at least.
