Hi there. Up here. No higher. There you go. It’s me, your friendly neighborhood Flock camera.
Nice to meet you in person!
Usually I am more of a hang out and take it all in type. But Jiminy Christmas, people, haaaaate me.
Let me just say I don’t hate you.
In fact, I love you all very much—both as a group and as very specific individuals for very specific reasons.
To Officer Russell who logs on every couple hours to keep tabs on his ex-wife and that no good new boyfriend of hers, you are a testament to exes who just refuse to give up. When you enter “national security” as the reason for your search, my heart lifts, just a little. You love love. I love you for that.
To the security guard on 168th and Fort Washington, I see you, king. The other guards are always looking at their phones. Not you. You thoughtfully sport the chin diaper and raw dog it all night. No phone. Just staring into space. I love you for that.
To Fernando Alfonso III and Kashmir Hill who made that, well, not very nice video about me on the New York Times. I get it. No one reads newspapers anymore and you need to make a living. Kashmir, I think it’s so amazing three out of the past four Sundays, even after what must have been a very long week, you still managed to drive that 2005 Honda with the dented rear quarter panel and the Duke sticker out to Jersey to see your — who is it your mom? I love you for that.
To everyone with a license plate cover and truck nuts. You have no idea how any of this works, do you? Blessed be the ignorant. I love you for that.
To Dolly Parton. That duet you do with Chet Akins. Damn, that gets me every time. Everyone else is saying they love you. I love you, too. (Also, FYI: I guess it’s a little late but whoever you let drive that sweet ‘97 Caddy (TN MJK 156), they sure do take a lot of trips to Whataburger. I’d keep an eye on that!
To the Florida man who, with pruning shears carefully tucked in his jeans shorts, cut down and smashed what he thought was a Flock camera. Your hatred of the government and ability to scale a pole in flip flops is inspiring. I love you for that.
To the comedian Tim Dillon, you talk about me more than you talk about the Plus Sized Park Hoppers. I am so humbled and honored. The way you work so hard to keep your Long Island street cred and drive a Bentley—one of the easiest cars to track, by the way—that is no easy feat. I love you for that
To the Mercedes GLC-300 (NY EXE 7948), who parks wherever he wants. Fire hydrants? Ambulette spaces? No Standing Anytime? You always do you.I love you for that.
To the good people of DeFlock, who made that quaint interactive map to help people avoid the loving gaze of the 136,192 cameras. That must have been so much work! Your industriousness is an inspiration. I love you for that. (By the way, you missed about 24,000 cameras).
Finally, to the tens of millions of you out there, know that I am here for you, watching you, every moment and every day, and I love you all very much.