Mothra. Cthulhu. Tucker Carlson. What do all three of them have in common with me, Godzilla? We are all firebrands whose views might be considered inflammatory. But I will not be silenced.
It’s not like I wanted to be a giant fire-breathing lizard, instilling fear with my very presence. You made me this way with your stupid radiation. I could have lived my life as an adorable non-fire-breathing gecko selling car insurance!
These thin-skinned coastal elites are trying to silence me just because I burned their city to the ground with my angry, passionate breath. If what I say hurts you emotionally or physically – leaving you either triggered like a snowflake or burnt to a crisp – then don’t listen! And give me a good five-hundred-mile berth!
This great country allows every citizen the right to free speech and to smash puny skyscrapers. If you don’t like what I have to say, too bad! If you don’t like the fire that comes out when I speak, don’t be immolated by it! It’s not like you can’t see me coming a mile away – I’m 394 feet tall. You have plenty of time to move.
Look at all the people around the world who are alive now that grew up alongside a giant, fire-breathing lizard creature. They are either well-adjusted, productive members of society or dead by my enormous lizard foot.
Sure, they died due to my existence, but more people die each year from taking dangerous selfies! You are at a higher risk of falling off a ravine or getting electrocuted on the top of a train trying to get the perfect, flattering photo than from a laser of fire streaming from my mouth.
Bottom line, I have the right to spew my powerful city-destroying fire breath, and you have the right to fuck off. It’s not like I flame-broiled you on purpose. I am not a monster! And frankly, that term is highly offensive. So much for the tolerant left! The PC term is non-threateningly-challenged, thank you very much.
I am a cultural icon! I have shaped the nation’s action movie folklore. I teach following your dreams no matter how many cities you have to burn down and not letting fear of death rule your decision to make a new friend. I use my freedom of speech to encourage body positivity and self-acceptance. Just because fire breath isn’t the societal norm doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful.
But I don’t hear you crying about that! It’s always, “Ah! Godzilla is an ugly monster; run away!” Do you want to rob the future generations of all the valuable lessons I teach just because I also periodically destroy Tokyo and helped incite the Capitol riot on Twitter? Yes, I did that too. (Follow me @GodzillaFREESPEECH)
And another thing: What about my right to protest? Why is it that every time I stomp around and breathe fire in protest of laboratories making deadly robot Godzillas, you open fire on me?! But no one does shit about King Kong, that Antifa prick!
Every American has the right to bear firearms. Why is that any different from bearing fire breath? If you let them take away my fire breath and ability to destroy civilizations when I lose my temper, what rights will they take away next? My atomic bomb-like nuclear pulse power? My power of flight (that’s right, I can fly now!)? If you say nothing, who will they come for next? Mr. Rogers?! Sesame Street?! First, they came for the guns, and then they came for the Godzillas. You know what happens next: Everyone gets kicked off of Twitter!
You will not take my beautiful fire breath! The time is now to stand up and fight! Meet Marjorie Taylor Greene and me Friday at Mothra’s Ale and Fermented Nectar House for a rally. We are going to decimate all those against gun control and free speech (after a round of CrossFit). Don’t even fucking think about wearing a mask!
