Do you fear little Aldous is losing online clout faster than Charles Barkley caught saying anything on a hot mic? Does your kid’s social media presence feel like it’s not influencing so much as it’s just “following orders?” Have your Instagram likes plateaued despite using #thatsassybaby on every post? Before you fly to South Korea on a medical tourism visa to work with the only plastic surgeon doing calf implants on a size 4T, read these helpful tips.
Call Me By YOUR NAME GOES HERE
Did you go all-in on Khaleesi? Don’t panic, this isn’t the first time a naming mistake has forsaken a child to years of ridicule; just ask my cousin Adolf Mugabe. If it helps, you can take comfort in knowing there are probably a lot more Orenthal James Simpsons running around, and it wasn’t too long ago that Ted Bundy was the most American name you could give to your son before you shipped him off to Vietnam to die.
Nowadays names are like straws: they are easily disposable and Baby Boomers are filled with unnecessary rage when then change. Updating your baby’s name with the trends will require a few trips to city hall each year, but on the plus side you will create a paper trail to help mask those questionable loans you put under their Social Security number.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe Change
Say what you will about the resurgence of fascism, but dictators know fashion. Have you tried to dress your son or daughter like the late Muammar Gaddafi? Nothing drips harder than a military coat, shiny metals, and a cadre of female soldiers. More like Kim Jong Illest, am I right? While every other kid will be emulating their favorite look from Stranger Things, your kid will be representing the real Upside Down by wearing an outfit embodying the current world order that just happens to feel like a dark parallel universe.
Chance the Accountant?
Let’s face it, unless you’ve taught your child Mandarin, he/she isn’t going to thrive in the future Chinese-dominated economy. While nobody is foaming at the mouth to listen to your first-born butcher “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” on piano, there are hordes of twisted freaks who have an insatiable hunger for little kids rapping to trap beats. So rapping is really the only future they will have and will soon be the only skill that matters.
Despite what you’ve seen at weddings, hip-hop isn’t just Sir Mix-a-Lot and Juvenile. In fact, there’s a whole catalogue of songs not about gigantic asses. Get little Kafka a beat machine, a Tik Tok account, and dancing lessons right now. Then just lie in wait for Ellen’s production team to hops into your DMs and pounce like the vicious and starved tiger parent you’ve become.
Back That Thing Up: Editing Your Child’s Backstory
If the past few years have taught us anything, it’s that origin stories are hot right now (and, of course, the truth doesn’t matter). You shouldn’t be a slave to your moral compass, and that goes double for your two-year-old’s developing brain. Have you noticed people are no longer intrigued about your toddler’s ability to reach standard milestones? Are your stories of body parts in the 99th percentile met with yawns? It’s time to really draw in your target audience with a compelling backstory.
Try telling people your child was the result of a surrogacy gone wrong for Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. Is your toddler really named Longitude West because she’s Khloe’s third cousin? I won’t tell on you. Remember this: before Malala Yousafzai was inspiring lives with her harrowing tale of survival in the face of unparalleled adversity, she was making YouTube makeup tutorials from her dorm room at Rutgers.
It would be great if everyone’s less-than-average offspring could defy the odds to become a superstar like Pete Davidson, but it’s time to face reality. The clock is ticking, and you’ve got to get little Orwell that sweet Netflix deal before the whole business model inevitably implodes. Think of your child as an empty canvas or, better yet, an Etch A Sketch with you at the dials, ready to shake furiously and start over at the first sign of disappointment.
