You and Brian ended on good terms, which is why when you show up uninvited to his wedding, you’re obviously going to do it with some class.
And if all of his old feelings resurface or he decides to call off the wedding for you, it’s not technically your fault. Besides, it’s not like you’d care anyways. And anybody who says you’re just going for the free cake is a big fat liar, thank you very much.
But seriously, you’re only showing up to support your ex. So when you watch him devote his life to some bitch he started dating right after you, you’ll want to be just as poised as any guest who was actually invited. That’s why we’ve compiled five tried-and-tested tips for crashing your ex’s wedding (tastefully, of course).
1. Sport a Full-Length White Gown
You don’t want to embarrass your ex by showing up ugly. I mean, everyone there knows you two dated for seven years, so it’d be pretty humiliating for him if you came looking like a tacky, jealous mess.
Yes, the bride is wearing the same thing, but that was her choice! And it’s not like it said you couldn’t wear white on the invitations (you know, the ones you didn’t personally receive but that your friend forwarded to you after Brian forgot to send you one).
Plus, you’re prepared to modestly disagree when guests mention how much better you look. It’s not like the day is all about the bride; it takes two to tango, Isabella.
2. Walk Down the Aisle, Too
It’s not really fair that only current friends and family get to walk down the aisle. You were also an important part of Brian’s life – and you got your whole body waxed for this – so you want to make sure everyone knows you’re there (despite your invite clearly getting lost in the mail).
You’re not really doing it for the attention, and it’s not like you’d ever do something obscene, like walk down the aisle with the father of the bride. In fact, you’re so sophisticated that that oddly specific thought hadn’t crossed your mind until just now.
Someone mistook you for the bride? It was his mom? She did always want to see you two together. (You’re pretty much doing everybody a favor, to be honest.)
3. Voice Your Concerns – But Only When the Priest Asks
It’s obviously rude to let everyone know your true feelings about Brian’s witch of a fiancée. But it’s also unfair to let him marry her without knowing the truth. As a matter of fact, there’s a section of the wedding where the priest specifically asks for feedback (and you’re pretty sure most of the bridesmaids hate Isabella too). It’d just be wrong not to say something…
So don’t “forever hold your peace!” Do the responsible thing for once in your life. That’s what Brian used to tell you anyways, wasn’t it? Gosh, you’re so mature for taking the high road. A real class act.
4. Gracefully Body-Slam His Grandma to Win the Bouquet Toss
You are not trying to spend another year alone, and the truth is, you’re not getting any younger. So it’s totally justified if you have to wrestle Brian’s grandmother to the ground or scratch her a bit to make sure that bouquet is rightfully yours.
Besides, Grandma already had her chance at marriage, and her eggs expired a looong time ago. You need to be the next one married, and these stupid hydrangeas might be your only chance.
I mean, you wasted years of your life on Brian. Not that you’re not bitter about it or anything – you’re too high-class for that. In fact, you wish him nothing but the best! A lifetime of happiness with that demonic woman!
5. Dance with Your Ex (Out of Courtesy)
There’s no bad blood between you and Brian, which is why an intimate slow dance with the groom is completely warranted and not weird at all for everyone else involved. Plus, it’s not like you two would kiss or anything. Even if he wanted to. Even if he was like, begging, you know?
Sure, maybe you’d give him a friendly peck, just to be polite. But you’re far too dignified to be the “other woman.” Besides, you were planning on going home with a groomsman out of spite, you classy motherfucker.
At the end of the day, it’s clear that crashing your ex’s wedding doesn’t have to be intrusive. You can join him unwelcomed on his special day without making a scene or coming across the slightest bit disrespectful.
Plus, when his marriage doesn’t work out, you can always have a redo at his second wedding! Unless, of course, you’re the bride. But you aren’t holding out for that because you’re far too principled for him, you know?
