Increasingly Ominous Voicemails Left for Senators in 2017
Dec06

Increasingly Ominous Voicemails Left for Senators in 2017

1. “Have fun at the inauguration today!” 2. [Just the song “Hammer Smashed Face,” played slightly sped up because of a YouTube copyright battle with Cannibal Corpse]. 3. “Can you let Senator Sasse know that I hope a bird poops on him right before his next family photo for his Christmas cards? Also, I hope his cat scratches him in the face. And I want that cute dog, which he doesn’t deserve, to pee on him – I...

Read More
Other Things That Are My Favorite, According to Donald Trump’s Definition of ‘Favorite’
Dec04

Other Things That Are My Favorite, According to Donald Trump’s Definition of ‘Favorite’

“We should have a contest as to which of the Networks, plus CNN and not including Fox, is the most dishonest, corrupt and/or distorted in its political coverage of your favorite President (me). They are all bad. Winner to receive the FAKE NEWS TROPHY!”- @realDonaldTrump 1. Yellow Starburst® 2. The sound of a fork scraping the bottom of a pot 3. Stray Band-Aids on the sidewalk 4. How Dawson Leery from Dawson’s Creek always ruined...

Read More
Rex Tillerson Is the 69th Secretary of State (Nice), But He Probably Won’t Be for Much Longer
Dec02

Rex Tillerson Is the 69th Secretary of State (Nice), But He Probably Won’t Be for Much Longer

Rex Tillerson is the 69th Secretary of State (nice), but it’s sure starting to feel like he won’t be for much longer. The beginning of the end for the 69th Secretary of State (nice) in United States history came a couple months ago, when Tillerson didn’t really deny that he’s been calling President Trump a moron and probably a lot of better, funnier things behind his back. Tillerson, who is the 69th Secretary...

Read More
A Post-Thanksgiving Workout to Help You Stay Guilt-Free
Nov22

A Post-Thanksgiving Workout to Help You Stay Guilt-Free

By Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives Visiting relatives for the holidays is no excuse to miss a gym day. Luckily, P90X taught me that a body can provide its own best resistance. It’s natural to feel some guilt after Thanksgiving, whether it be from eating too many candied yams or from swallowing all your principles in order to get the tax breaks you want. I can help you take care of all that, but before you do...

Read More
An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List
Nov05

An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

1. Democrats 2. Republicans 3. Politicians 4. The Swamp 5. POWs 6. Disabled people 7. John McCain specifically  8. Hispanics 9. African Americans 10. Any other brown people I forgot 11. Muslims 12. Refugees 13. Muslim refugees 14. Hillary 15. Women 16. Other Clintons 17. Gold Star parents 18. Protesters (female and/or black) 19. NFL players 20. NFL owners 21. NFL refs 22. John McCain again 23. Bob Corker (?) 24. Gold Star spouses 25....

Read More
Original Name for a Kenner Star Wars Action Figure or Alt-Right Insult?
Oct23

Original Name for a Kenner Star Wars Action Figure or Alt-Right Insult?

1) Prune Face 2) Brownshirt 3) Snowflake 4) Walrus Man 5) RINO 6) Cosmopolitan 7) Amanaman 8) Squid Head 9) Cucservative 10) Dindu 11) Snaggletooth 12) Yak Face 13) Hammerhead 14) Kasich   KEY STAR WARS: 1, 4, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13 ALT-RIGHT: 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 14 (probably) More jokes, at no extra...

Read More
Page 2 of 2312345...1020...Last »