Objective: Remain emotionally upright while being verbally disassembled by someone who keeps their locker stocked with attitude and possibly contraband. Scenario: You’re teaching triangles. Chelsea—known for table flipping, hallway screaming, and possessing the kind of energy you’d find in an unsupervised volcano—stands up and delivers this TED Talk of destruction: “I don’t need to fucking learn this, bitch! I sell meth and make more money in one day than your entire fucking life!” This is not hyperbole. Chelsea has spreadsheets. And possibly investors. Response Plan: 1. Sip coffee. Slowly. As if you’re preparing for a staring contest with God. 2. Smile gently,…
Author: T.S. Carney
T.S. Carney
T.S. Carney is a Special Education teacher who navigates the "quiet calibration" of the classroom and the faculty room with equal parts caffeine and cynicism. His work, which often explores the absurdity of systems, will appear in Your Impossible Voice, Maudlin House 2/11/26, Eunoia Review (March 2026), The Educator's Workroom (12/26/26), and has appeared in Maudlin House, Neon Origami, and The Good Men Project. He currently resides in the "infected zone" of his high school department, awaiting his next character witness summons for the International Court at The Hague.
This is a true story that happened to me today. Like with all my stories, I tell it bluntly without polish because life isn’t always about lip gloss and item returns. Here it goes… My wife vowed once our son was born she would “never go back to [the store],” and she was right. Her stories were examples of the extremes of pettiness that retail can offer, so much so that when—like today—returns had to be made, the task was put onto me. Which was fine because, like all men, we want to go in the store, get out, buy…
New Yorkers! “Cry Havoc and let slip the dogs of war!” Well… maybe that’s too extreme, but really—take back what you’re famous for. T.S. Carney again from Connecticut, letting you know that you’re dethroned and New Haven replaced you as the pizza capital. How?! Why?! You have Lombardi’s. You have New York Style Pizza. And now you have that paper-thin, burnt-to-a-crisp, awful “New Haven style pizza”! How?! Why?! How did Yankee Doodle, riding on a pony, break into your house, steal your recipe, botch it like a kindergartener, ride back into town, and take the crown? You should have seen…
I decided to continue my takes on thinking of the ADHD moments that pop in my brain, and continue talking about movies. Smoking is bad, son. They can kill you, but there’s an evil way, and a good way. You’ve seen the movies. The villain comes into the room. He’s mean. He’s nasty. Or She’s Nasty, or Mean, before she kicks you, or he kicks you, and then comes out the cigarette. In 2026, smoking a cigarette is the bigger crime for your villain. In 1926, you were cool for smoking cigarettes – because lung cancer was cool then too.…