Never File A Claim
Welcome to GoodLuck, and congratulations on your fixer-upper. Chock-full of promise—somewhere under the dry rot.
We’re insuring your property under one condition: never file a claim. Not for fire. Not for locusts. If a tractor-trailer redecorates your living room, tell guests it’s an intentional layout choice.
As your agent—and the recipient of a 15% commission—I’m pleased to present the GoodLuck Declaration of Home Insurance. It’s a slab of legalese a hyper-caffeinated actuary wrote to keep your confusion current. Attempts to comprehend it have been linked to hair loss, worms, and ED. Ask our actuary.
If you feel an itch to file a claim, consult the ‘Material Changes’section therein. It lists things we once protected, when the company had a soul.
Each renewal brings 10% more premium—and 10% less coverage. It funds our CEO’s second helipad—and my latest yacht, Your Deductible. You’ve been Lucked.
The rate is variable—finance-speak for: it rises until your bank account begs. Pay the arbitrary number in the bold black box. Think Wheel of Fortune—except the prize is keeping your house.
Section IV — Exclusions
Highlights of Your Impending Doom—Check the Boxes Below:
[ ] Acts of God. Twelve disciples of our CEO divine what qualifies over supper.
[ ] Times of War. If a tank rolls over your azaleas, take it up with the invading general.
[ ] Lightning. Statistics indicate your house should not be outside.
[ ] Flooding. Covered only in certified non-flood zones, such as the Mojave Desert.
[ ] Ice Dams. Melt them each winter morning on a ladder with a hair dryer.
[ ] Wind Damage. Install palisades. They worked for the Romans.
[ ] Acts of Teenagers. These exceed the limits of actuarial science. We stopped trying.
You’re required to attend a three-hour on-boarding session in the basement of the Better Sort Yacht Club. We’ll serve lukewarm tap water and saltines. Later, the GoodLuck C-suiters will host a ballroom Gala with Brunello and jumbo shrimp delivered by Your Deductible.
Skip the Gala. Go home instead and blow out the candles on your housewarming cake. If they set the drapes ablaze, remember:
‘We calculate the risk. You keep it.’
Policyholder Acknowledgement
Your signature: __________________
Confirms you agree to forfeit half your paycheck and never file a claim. Not for acts of God, generals, or teens. Any attempt voids your policy—but not your billing.
Sign here. Breathe. Hand over the check.
You may keep the pen.