Hi everybody! It’s me, Bilky McChisel! I’m the mascot and loss-prevention officer for the Robin Steele supermarket chain. You’ve probably seen me in the stores keeping an eye on you. I’m there to make sure you don’t rob us before we rob you.
Oops. I guess I shouldn’t have said that. Not that I’m telling you anything you don’t already know.
Anyway, I have some exciting news! At Robin Steele Supermarkets, we’re always on the lookout for ways to serve you better. And what could be more important than cancer prevention? Therefore, starting next week, we will be offering colonoscopies at our checkout counters. Why at the checkout counters? Well, with our scandalously high prices, you really have no choice but to bend over and take it. So, while you’re in that position, why not take advantage of our new service?
How does it work? Well, immediately after the requisite gouging at the cash register, while you’re still in what we like to call the full-moon posture, you will be asked if you wish to undergo the optional colonoscopy. If the answer is yes (which we fully recommend), the corded barcode scanner will be fitted with a colonoscope, a long, flexible tube with a tiny video camera at the tip. The insertion of this device will require a suitable lubricant. We recommend Robin Steele store brand margarine (Aisle 8, $14.99 for a 30-ounce tub).
When the procedure is finished, we will email a copy of the video to you and your doctor. Talk about convenient! Total cost: $829 ($50 extra for a commercial-free video).
Hey, valued customer, you oughta be in pictures — especially your intestinal tract!
But wait! There’s more! How about an invigorating colon cleanse instead? This requires switching to a hose attachment so that we can flood your intestines with water via your conveniently accessible backside. Rather than water, some people prefer the purging power of coffee. May we recommend our proprietary Ethiopian Guji/Colombian Santander blend (Aisle 16, $39.99 for a 12-ounce package)? And still others like the tangy refreshment of a colon flushed with fruit juice. We suggest Robin’s Choice Pomegranate Juice, which is rich in antioxidants (Aisle 11, 52 fluid ounces, $22.95).
Regardless of which liquid you choose, we guarantee that your plumbing will be spic and span! Total cost: $529.
But wait! We’re not finished! Given how often you have to prostrate yourself during these inflationary times, it’s only natural that you would want your bottom to look its best. That’s why we’re also offering nonsurgical butt-lift injections. After just two treatments, you’ll be well on your way to having the kind of perky derriere you’ll be proud to show the world — and our cashiers. Total cost: $3,200.
And while we begin to roll out these exciting services, we’re researching other ones, including anus alignments, rectum smoothing, sphincter tightening and cecum blasts.
So take it from Bilky McChisel, whether or not you take advantage of these innovative offerings, there’s one thing you can be sure of: we’re gonna get you in the end!