With Pam Bondi officially out, the public has clamoring for any information on her replacement Todd Blanche. Luckily, after getting his phone number from a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a podcaster who had the number, we texted the president and got an overlong and unfocused scoop on the new attorney general.
Here’s everything you need to know about Attorney General Todd Blanche.
Todd Blanche, (6’7, 124 pounds) is a former prosecutor and power forward for the Dallas Mavericks.
A Bonafide Winner – His rise to fame came from suing the Make A Wish Foundation in the infamous Millionaires V Sick Children case. They settled out of court, agreeing to pay him 2,000 wishes.
Fun Fact – Favorite burger: chicken sandwich.
The Moment It Happened – Blanche was just as surprised as you were to hear about the role. He apparently got the job after being traded to The White House for two future second round picks and cash consideration. An embarrassing trade for both sides. He had just renewed the lease on his condo in Dallas.
Dad Duties – Blanche is a single father to two beautiful daughters, and one ugly son.
Big Plans – When asked how he would run the Attorney General’s office, Blanche said he would do everything the same as Pam Bondi, but less girlish.
Big Dreams – Todd has the same dream every night. He’s in a high-stakes go-kart grand prix. He’s racing towards the finish line when a green shell knocks him out of first place. The same wet dream every night.
Necessary Clarification – We explained that the last question wasn’t literal, and we were asking about his career and political aspirations. Same answer.
Fun Fact – murdered his wife.
This is Todd Blanche, your new Attorney General.
