As you may be aware there was some unfortunate speculation in the media that Republican US Senator (R-South Carolina) and presidential primary statistical noise Tim Scott is single, or worse. Senator Scott has just suspended his presidential campaign after another anonymous debate appearance. But after that debate he was spotted with me on stage, the only notable aspect of his days long run for the White House.
That I, his girlfriend do in fact exist.
I am his very real, human girlfriend with a birth certificate, social security number, name, face, all of it. I am not some chatbot AI generated image backed QR code. I am in fact a female adult in a consensual very monogamous very real human person.
We met in classic fashion. It follows your basic romcom formula.
Man runs for President. Man realizes James Buchanan is the only lifelong bachelor to be elected President. Man acknowledges James Buchanan is widely regarded as one of if not the worst President in American history. Man knows its not because of Buchanan’s role in fomenting civil war, but because he didn’t have a girlfriend. So man joins a bunch of straight dating apps looking for an attractive, but not too attractive white Christian woman without tattoos and a news anchor accent who could appeal to middle America.
We met online after I had checked the captcha box and solved a 1st grade arithmetic problem. It was an instantaneous connection as we bonded over our shared interest in photographs containing traffic lights.
Tim Scott knew I was real because I avidly follow Elon Musk on twitter, meaning there is a 52% chance I am a human person and not a bot.
I definitely have a deep abiding faith in a Christian God that conforms exactly to what Republican voters believe. Jesus never married.
Senator Scott will now slink back to his Senate job of voting with Donald Trump’s priorities 96.7% and groveling on right wing media in apology for the other 3.3%.
I didn’t realize until this media exposure, the pressure Senator Scott was under to fall in love. In his Senate office he has a magical rose locked in a glass case. If Senator Scott can’t find love before the rose petals wilt he will be condemned to a life of being in the same state as Nikki Haley and Lindsey Graham. But when the tea kettle and teacup serenaded us along with the candelabra and clock as we danced through the hallways of the Hart Office Building, I knew I had found my special someone. It truly was a tale as old as time.
While these scurrilous attacks on my existence have been difficult I know Tim Scott supports me because of his general “All Lives Matter” demeanor. He made clear in his memoir that racism and other hatred is just a handful of anecdotes. It’s really more of a victimhood mentality than a well established institutional problem intentionally embedded into our political system. In essence, you can simply wish it away. On a star. It makes no difference who you are. If your girlfriend is in your dream, no primary election statement is too extreme.
I’m a real female human woman and I endorse my actual relationship with Tim Scott.