I am a political polling analyst. I survey the mind and feelings of the American voter. With stealth and cunning I capture the secrets and trumpet the future. An amalgamation of omniscience and omnipotence that renders God himself jealous. My charts, graphs, tables, and trends toy with your cognitive functions. I shall use that dominion over your tenuous mental equilibrium for my own amusement. You can’t help but gorge on the topline numbers. A tremulous review of my numerical snapshot confirming your deepest fears. He could win again. He will again. Or maybe he won’t. Either way you’ll click on…
Author: Noah Seligman
Dear Prime Minister Trudeau and a second senior Canadian government official I cannot name and refuse to look up. I am writing as a concerned parent of two primary school children. Canadian schools are no longer safe. There is an epidemic lurking in the verdant forests. Slinking across the prairies. Creeping around the coasts. Canada is overdue on taking the simple common sense safety measures every other developed nation on earth has figured out. I am, as should be obvious, writing about coyotes near playgrounds. Did you know that coyotes attacks are now the number one cause of death for…
By: A Very Serious Gotham Pundit Credit: Warner Bros. We as Gotham voters have a choice to make in this next election about law and order. Because it’s not who we are underneath, but what we vote for that defines us. The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules. The Gotham morals, the penal code – it’s a bad joke. But without Batman, crime has no punchline. Gotham needs to introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. Because here in Gotham we are all too familiar with the typical script. The…
Hi, I’m your preteen son’s favorite literary character. Not your daughter. Your son. Because your daughter is only supposed to be reading books about an aspiring veterinarian scientist type who will someday be labeled “difficult” among her academic peers who receive tenure years before her despite publishing half as much. The girls who transform into fantastical creatures to solve some environmental problem. Or maybe her 23&Me would show she is part mystical animal herself hence the ability to communicate with, and heal the supernatural, magical, or anthropomorphic. Your son likes me. I’m a loser who thinks he’s a cool kid. I’m essentially…
As you likely know, there has been fevered speculation online about who and what we would all learn from the Jeffrey Epstein list. Unhinged conjecture has been a wonderful playground for all kinds of ugly conspiracy theorists, terminally online grifters, and the darkest recesses of the human mind. Fake screenshots are circulating everywhere showing people you disagree with politically have definitely flown on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet and met with the sex trafficker. While we know there are pictures of Donald Trump with Epstein and Elon Musk with Ghislaine Maxwell. Of course, Elon did get subpoenaed in the Epstein banking case. But, I Supreme Court Justice Clarence…
Dear Joseph of Nazareth: I am the manager at the Bethlehem Stables Inn. I was disappointed to read your harsh criticism of your review of your stay at our property on December 25, 0000. Rest assured we take all guests’ complaints seriously, even those from the most famous cuck in history. I am writing today in response to numerous accusations you leveled at our fine establishment. We are quite proud to post a 4.7 star average on TripAdvisor and 4.9 on Google. I’d like to begin by noting our operational mission statement: Ask and it will be given to you;…
Mike Johnson (R-LA) has been elected Speaker of the US House winning unanimous support of the Republican conference. He earned the job after deftly playing a reverse, skip, reverse, draw four combination in a 218 member Uno game which ultimately decided the conference nominee. As a result, our long national nightmare of having an extremist MAGA Republican like Kevin McCarthy in charge of the House is over. Instead, the oversized novelty gavel is securely in the tiny hands of an extremist MAGA Republican Mike Johnson (R-LA). Here are some important facts to know about Speaker Johnson, some of which are…
As you may be aware there was some unfortunate speculation in the media that Republican US Senator (R-South Carolina) and presidential primary statistical noise Tim Scott is single, or worse. Senator Scott has just suspended his presidential campaign after another anonymous debate appearance. But after that debate he was spotted with me on stage, the only notable aspect of his days long run for the White House. That I, his girlfriend do in fact exist. I am his very real, human girlfriend with a birth certificate, social security number, name, face, all of it. I am not some chatbot AI generated image…
The Daily Wire, a conservative website populated by the whiniest, weakest, whitest person in your high school, has launched a streaming platform. It’s called Bentkey and is promising to counter the dangers of a “woke” Disney. Here is a handy primer on what parents can expect if they sign up for programming instead of doing literally anything with the subscription money, including, and not limited to, setting it on fire. Reimagined Disney Classics at Bentkey This section will take all the Disney stories you know and love, but placed in the proper ideological spectrum. Peter Pan: The Lost Boys are recast as a heroic band of incels conquering…
Historically, it was always the same. The pensive search. Eyes darting around the scene. The excited squeal. An exaltation of success. The grubby index finger smudging my general vicinity. Target acquired. I, Waldo, had been found. Such has been my life for centuries throughout my travels. Travels that make Rick Steves look agoraphobic. But, what little shred of privacy I can still cling to is slipping through my fingers, the fingers not gripping the wooden curly cane. Increasingly, law enforcement around the world have been deploying widespread use of advanced facial recognition technology. The global market for facial recognition technology…