Enough! Stop taking off your shoes and all of your masculinity just to do some light-hearted romping on polypropylene.
We know this topic has been covered ten times over by every men’s lifestyle guru, but what all of those hacks and chiseled bod frauds say is that there isn’t a way to jump on a trampoline without looking like a little baby boy that needs his diaper changed. What we are here to tell you is that you DON’T have to sacrifice the most fun you’ll have this year just to keep up appearances. You can have it all with these extensively tested (by us) methods for jumping on a trampoline and looking manly at the same time.
CLEAR YOUR THROAT
This one is a defense tactic. All real men know it, but if you didn’t, we won’t tell (guy code). While you’re in mid-air, having more fun than your father ever allowed you to have as a child, you may find a passerby becoming interested in your big jumps. In the event that someone is staring too long, and you’re afraid your masculinity may come into question, simply clear your throat as loud and obnoxiously as possible. If you don’t sound like a Boeing 757 engine failing, you’re not being manly enough.
GRAB A BEER
We all know nobody looks more like a man than when holding a beer. When my first child was born I had to grab a beer so that no one thought I was weak for crying. You should do the same when jumping on a trampoline. Holding a beer I mean, not crying.
PUT ON SOME SABBATH
Ozzy really has a chokehold on what it meant to be a man. Gettin’ real messed up, having a family, and speaking incoherently. I like to think of him as my father figure.
BLEED
What’s manlier than an under the eye gash? How’d you get that? You don’t remember (scratched an itch with the wrong side of a pencil during your crossword this morning)! Do not address it. Do not accept a Band-Aid. Do: Smear it all over your face so you look like Bret Hart in his encounter with “Rowdy” Roddy Piper from WrestleMania VIII.
HOLD YOUR KID WITH ONE ARM
Have you ever seen the way gorillas hold their kids? It’s fucking awesome. They just cradle those suckers in one arm. If I could ask a gorilla one question it would be, “How do I be more of a man?” They’ve got it all figured out.
SIMULTANEOUSLY WATCH A TELEVISION SHOW WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS
Being mid-air isn’t all business – it comes with its fun pleasures as well! For example, for brief moments at a time, you’re finally high enough in the air to see over your neighbor’s privacy fence! And, lucky you, the back window gives you a direct shot to their living room TV! You told your wife you’d never watch The Bachelor with her. But now that you’re seeing it through this new lens, you find yourself fascinated by how rock hard that bachelor’s abs are. Only one thing to do: Put those hands on your hips and maintain a neutral position in the air. Never outright show your interest in the plot. Deny that you enjoyed any of it when it is over. An average episode of The Bachelor is 60 minutes, or 720 jumps.
YELL AT YOUR WIFE
I don’t really know the reasoning for this one, but it’s all my dad did and he’s probably the only other man I can think of off the top of my head.
TURN YOUR JUMPING INTO A BUSINESS
The truth is, any advice we give you is only a temporary fix because all pleasure is inherently un-manly. Unless, of course, that pleasure is also producing generational wealth. Find a way to turn your jumping into cash. I mean, someone has to TEST the trampolines before they go to market, right? Congrats, now you have a second job, you hairy stud.
TAKE A PHONE CALL
Ever been on an airplane, right before it’s about to take off, and, despite the sounds of two screaming children and a flight attendant bullying a grandma, see a dad pull out his phone and answer a phone call? What could be so important? How urgent is this matter? He actually said, “No I can talk.” I once saw a guy answer his phone DURING a Billy Joel concert! He should be president.
GIGGLE
Nothing is more manly than expressing genuine mirth. We all long for the days of old on the playgrounds, running around and falling down without consequence. I get emotional thinking about men giggling.
GASLIGHT
What are you talking about? I’m literally not jumping? It’s a trampoline, it’s the residual force of the trampoline that is making me bounce a little? You told me to get up here to see if our roof paneling is damaged from the storm. Yeesh, your memory is starting to go! Just like your mother! Hahaha. It’s okay, I forgive you.
FUCKIN’ AIR GUITAR
All men look fuckin’ awesome air guitaring to some Skynyrd, especially when you’re on a trampoline.
PRACTICE A JUMPING HIGH KICK TO IMPRESS YOUR DAUGHTER
Your daughter is just getting into cheerleading and she has been insecure about her high kick. Take the day off work and practice your own moves on the trampoline. When she gets home from school, surprise her with your routine. Teach her that it is never too late to learn a new trick. There is nothing manlier than going out of your way for your child.
WEAR A SHIRT WITH NUMBERS ON IT
All manly shirts have numbers on them. Go ahead think about it. You know I’m right.
TELL YOUR KIDS YOU LOVE THEM
My father had difficulty expressing his emotions. I think it was because of the war. I’ve been talking to my therapist recently and they said that it’s important to let those we love know that we love them. Since my wife died, I’ve had trouble expressing my emotions, especially to Sandwich Jr. It’s just so hard when you look at your son and can only see your dead wife’s face. Now imagine you see it in fractions as you come hurdling back towards the Earth, catching fleeting glimpses of the love you lost and new love you must carry with you. Wait, do I only feel like this when I’m on this thing?
Boat Tarp
Cut the trampoline down and use it to cover your boat during the winter. Tell your kids it broke or whatever.