Planning a romantic Valentine’s Day is all about showing how much you care about someone. This is true no matter if you married your high school sweetheart or if you have two thousand concubines that were painstakingly selected through the imperial harem system.
At the end of the day, it’s the thought that counts.
Here are a few romantic Valentine’s Day ideas that will make your legion of lovers swoon, but also reaffirm the strategic political alliances they each represent.
Cook Dinner Together
Add a fun twist on a traditional dinner date by making it yourself. Instead of doing the typical two thousand individual candlelit dinners, why not turn it into an intimate mass group activity? Have your servants fetch all two thousand concubines from their chambers and sequester them in the Imperial Dining Hall. Then command your consults to acquire two thousand and one home meal kits from Hello Fresh, Blue Apron, or whatever home meal service is available in 25 A.D. Valentine’s Day is a special occasion, so be sure your meal kit includes some romantic aphrodisiacs like bear paw, tiger bone, or ox tongue to really set the mood.
Have a Spa Date
Planning the perfect Valentine’s Day can be stressful. Why not relax instead? Chances are there isn’t an existing spa large enough for more than two thousand people. But if you plan ahead, you can make it happen by imperial decree. Instruct your local magistrates to send five thousand peasants each to help carve an imperial spa into the side of a mountain, preferably one with a hot spring. Be extra diligent in making sure the bodies of those who die from exhaustion are buried completely out of sight. Nothing ruins a good hot tub makeout sesh like thousands of rotting corpses. Oh, and don’t forget the cucumber seltzer. Concubines love that stuff.
Go Horseback Riding
Mounting a horse can be a fun and adventurous way to get to know someone. Gather your finest cavalrymen and have them assist you in leading your army of romantic interests down a novice level trail. Not only will the ease of the trail be less intimidating to your concubines who have likely never stepped foot outside the walls of the Forbidden City, but it’ll also give you a chance to show off a few of your fancy riding tricks. If any of your officers share prolonged eye contact with your ladies, execute them on sight. On second thought, neuter. You can always find a use for more imperial eunuchs. Plus, showing mercy is an easy way to show off your soft side.
Visit An Art Museum
Flexing your knowledge of art history at LACMA is impressive. But having an entire museum built in your name to house the stolen artifacts you’ve collected throughout your conquests is even more impressive. We recommend splitting your two thousand concubines into three or four separate tour groups so they’ll each be able to experience a more personal date with you. Without question, being led on a fascinating tour of the world via art is every imperial concubine’s dream (besides escaping the gilded prison in which they are forever confined). Pro tip: Score extra points by surprising your armada of concubines with artist meet-and-greets. It’ll make your ladies feel like real VIPs, while also allowing the artists, who you’ve subjected to a lifetime of indentured servitude, to get a fresh batch of inspiration.
Picnic in the Park
Famine? What famine? While there might be a severe shortage of grain outside the cold stone walls of the Forbidden City, things have never been better in the imperial palace. These are the perfect conditions to throw an extravagantly lavish picnic, the likes of which this dynasty has not seen since the Lunar New Year three days ago. Treating your cohort of ladies to a once-in-their-lifetime feast like this will surely impress and intimidate the provinces from which they were stolen, crushing any thoughts of rebellion.
Go Out Dancing
Even if you have two left feet, which you obviously don’t because you are the faultless royal emperor sent from the heavens, going out for a night of dancing can be a fun way to channel your sexy alter ego. Plus, with your female to male ratio, you’ll have no problem getting into any club you want. And if not, execute on sight. Problem solved. Now if you do the math, if you were on the dance floor for even just one hour, you’d still get to spend 1.8 seconds with each concubine. That’s guaranteed to make them feel super special considering most of them have never even met you before, despite being ripped away from their families at a young age for the sole purpose of serving you.
Take a Hike
Trekking through nature is not only nourishing for the soul, but it’s also a great booty workout (they’ll love it). Picture this: Your parade of concubines, all hot and sweaty, hiking up the side of a cliff while you smile at them from inside your golden palanquin being carried by your imperial servants. It doesn’t get any more romantic than that. Plan to summit the peak around golden hour so that your horde of lovers can watch you watch the sunset as you crack open an ice cold can of White Claw or rice wine or whatever else is hot in first century China.
Remember Her Name
This Valentine’s Day idea is a bit over-the-top romantic, so be sure you’re really digging the chick before proceeding. With over two thousand imperial concubines, four thousand imperial handmaidens, and the gods know who else, remembering her name is the ultimate show of affection that’s sure to be the highlight of her life. (Unless she escapes. In which case, that will be the highlight of her life.)
