I’m an older, white, middle-American male with lots of “problematic” opinions on race and gender, so naturally, the question on everybody’s mind lately is whether I’m going to vote for Bernie Sanders.
I haven’t made up my mind just yet, to tell you the truth. If Joe Rogan likes him, he can’t be too bad. And I must admit, as someone whose skills and work experience are poorly suited to a postindustrial economy, Bernie’s proposals for more rural jobs, higher wages, and a robust social safety net are sounding pretty darn good to me right now. Nevertheless, I’m still nagged by the fear that I’m contributing to the decline of my people by voting for a (((socialist))).
So if Bernie wants my vote, he’s going to have to work for it. Nothing huge, just some shows of good faith to prove he’s not stringing me along until he can white-genocide my family.
Here are some suggestions:
- Bernie can be Jewish so long as he’s not like, all extra about it. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. One Yiddish word and I’m out.
- By executive order, all copies of the book Stupid White Men and the movie White Men Can’t Jump will be recalled and issued less offensive titles. The same goes for the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel.
- All white Americans will be issued a yearly punchcard good for ten (10) uses of the N-word. Quoting the word in the context of a hip-hop lyric is a half-punch, but drop a hard R and lose your card. This is more than fair.
- The result of the Civil War will be recorded, for official purposes, as a tie.
- There will be, by federal decree, a White History Month and a White Entertainment Television network.
- Bernie can go ahead with his plan to cover the costs of gender reassignment surgery with Medicare for All, so long as the doctor doesn’t do such a good job that I find the resulting woman hot. That would make me gay, wouldn’t it? Put, like, a hunchback or a nose wart on them or something.
- If public libraries can have “Drag Queen Story Hour,” they should have no problem with Pro Wrestling Story Hour. Tell me you wouldn’t be on board with Seth Rollins dropping a Ripcord Knee on the Big Bad Wolf.
- By law, for every minority, female, or LGBT character added to one of my favorite film franchises, studios have to finance another Clint Eastwood movie.
- On the topic of movies: a five-year moratorium on Idris Elba. The feelings Idris provokes in me are confusing and upsetting, and I fear his magnetic screen presence threatens to destroy the sex appeal of white men completely. All of Idris’s currently cast roles can be filled by nice, nonthreatening Will Smith.
- If Bernie’s going to halt all deportations, and let all the Mexicans in my neighborhood stay, they should return the favor by teaching me how to fold a burrito so it actually stays shut. Seriously, I must’ve tried this a thousand times.
- Women can have all the “womanly” healthcare they want, so long as I don’t hear about it. It’s against my constitutional rights to force me to learn how a woman’s body works. This extends to getting my daughter to wrap up her tampons before throwing them in the wastebasket. Come on Bailey, that’s gross!! No one wants to see that.
- All store clerks, delivery people, servers, and Uber drivers have to say “Merry Christmas!” at the end of every interaction. This will be a year-round policy, just to make sure they remember.
- With Bernie’s proposed abolition of voter ID laws, there are going to be a lot of new people voting. Some of them are going to try to commit voter fraud; that’s just statistically inevitable. I propose that, until we can figure out exactly what’s going on, all these new voters’ votes should be skewed down statistically to counteract the fraudulent ones. Just as a compromise. Let’s see… three-fifths ought to do it.
- Bernie can choose to implement this stuff or not, but he should know that if he doesn’t, I’m going to have to vote for Trump again. Looking forward to jointing your coalition, everybody!
