President-elect Donald Trump agreed to pay a $25 million settlement in lawsuits against Trump University. This, however, is not an indication that the esteemed Trump University was at all fraudulent or phony – Trump just has a lot on his plate right now and can’t deal with trivial legal allegations.
In fact, TU (go Pageant Girls!) was an educational hub, with a curriculum as tough as a Twitter troll to prove it. See for yourself – here are extracted summaries of the most popular majors at the very legitimate Trump University:
White American Studies
Students will learn about the rich, unique culture of white Americans from pickup trucks to panini presses, as well as the long, long history of their plights and struggles in our society. Learners of any color of white are welcome!
Loopholes in Tax Law
Students will discover tricks and tips of the LEGAL tax evasion trade. Enrolling in the Loopholes in Tax Law major makes you smart. Note: This is not a verified law degree.
Gender Binary Studies
Students will be able to identify and encapsulate traditional binary gender roles that have prevailed through an onslaught of art, fashion and the ’80s. Men graduating from the Gender Binary Studies program will find boundless professional opportunities, while women will tend to the home.
Contemporary Theater Criticism
Students will learn hard-hitting criticisms of contemporary theater. The theater will be scrutinized as a dangerous space of untalented swine. Majors will be expected to complete a thesis essay of 140 characters or less.
Queer Oblit
Students will learn to obliterate LGBTQ culture and lifestyles with tactics such as shaming, silencing, and physical torture (a minor in Electroshock Therapy is recommended!). The Picture of Dorian Gray and A Single Man are among required burnings.
Political Science Fiction
Students will learn how political strategy, tendencies, and parties no longer apply to the operations of the United States government. Today’s Political Science Fiction majors are tomorrow’s great American overlords.
Masonry
Students will learn the fundamentals of using brick, stone, and cinder to build enormous physical barriers, acquiring the building blocks necessary for a career in large-scale wall construction. Electives include North American Geography and Fence Sections.