1. SWOMO (Swollen Monkey)
2. Fruit Paunch
3. Moveable Joints
4. Vertigo-go
5. GAD’s
6. Primitive Streak
7. Immediate Gratification
8. Seriously Bent
9. SCUDS
10. Birdstrike
11. Spontaneous Combustion
12. Charred Goosebeak
13. HFV
14. Giant Worm
15. Sheer Idiocy
16. TBD
17. Dead Serious
– – –
Answer Key:
1. Emerson College. Not monkeypox.
2. Columbia University. Not a distended abdomen.
3. Trinity College. Not a dislocation.
4. Swarthmore College. Nothing to do with the inner ear.
5. Amherst College. Short for Mr. Gad’s House of Improv, not Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
6. Oberlin College. Not a rash.
7. Harvard University. Nothing to do with those kids in the marshmallow test.
8. Suffolk University. Not scoliosis.
9. Connecticut College. Not Septicemic Cutaneous Ulcerative Disease (which is primarily found in turtles).
10. UC Davis. Not like what took Captain Sully down.
11. Rice University. Unproven.
12. Colgate University. Not a diagnosis, but presumably the result of #10 + #11.
13. UC Santa Cruz. Short for Humor Force Five, not Human Foamy Virus (simiispumavirus pantrosch).
14. Reed College. Nothing to do with RFK Jr.
15. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Also a common precursor to severe injury.
16. UC Berkeley. Also an ominous lab test result.
17. Wellesley College. Also, uh oh, you’d better sit down for this one.