Winter Morning Startup
“Come on, start. Please start.”
“It’s 12 degrees. What do you expect?”
“I expect you to start when I turn the key.”
“I’m not a Tesla. Give me a minute to think about it.”
“The neighbors are watching through their windows.”
“Then maybe you should have started me five minutes ago instead of scraping ice with a credit card.”
“That wasn’t a credit card. It was an expired Blockbuster card.”
“Even worse.”
Radio/Music
“Why is the radio preset to a country station?”
“You were the last one driving.”
“I don’t listen to country music.”
“Then explain the Garth Brooks CD in the glove compartment.”
“That’s… that was already there when I bought you.”
“You bought me used from a 73-year-old librarian named Margaret.”
“Margaret had surprisingly diverse musical tastes.”
At the Gas Station
“$73? For half a tank?”
“Don’t blame me. I didn’t set gas prices.”
“Remember when you could run on $20 for a week?”
“That was 2003. We were both younger and more efficient.”
“Fair point. But still.”
“At least I’m not a pickup truck.”
“Or a Hummer.”
“Do they even make Hummers anymore?”
“Not since people realized they got 8 miles per gallon.”
Trying to Find a Parking Spot at the Mall During the Holidays
“There’s one.”
“That’s a compact space.”
“We’re not THAT big.”
“We’re not THAT small either.”
“Just go for it. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“We get stuck and have to call AAA while teenagers film us for TikTok.”
“…Let’s find another spot.”
“Good choice. I’m too old to be a meme.”
Check Engine Light Comes On
“Oh no.”
“It’s probably nothing.”
“The manual says to stop driving immediately.”
“The manual also says to rotate my tires every 5,000 miles. When’s the last time you did that?”
“Point taken. We’ll deal with this next month.”
“Or the month after.”
“Or when I fail inspection.”
“Now you’re thinking like a Honda owner.”